Trying to live again
by islandgirl33
Summary: With Jackson out of the picture Alex and April are happily in a relationship together. But how will they react when Jackson suddenly returns with a mystery blonde? Set sometime after season 8. Story about Japril and Alex/Izzie.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

"Okay, so, I have some news." Cristina Yang said loudly. Walking up to her friends and co-workers, as they stood around, looking at the day aheads surgical board, coffees in hand, anticipating the next busy shift at Seattle Grace Mercy West.

They all turned curiously to look at her, taking in the playful look on her face, as she said "Hunt has hired some new people" pausing, to tease even more.

Meredith looked at her friend and with slight irritation in her voice, said "Well come on who?, tell us then."

Cristina just sipped her coffee, before saying. "Well, let's just say he has a famous relative like you and he took off a while ago, to go and do plastics in sunnier pastures."

At hearing this, April, who had been quiet up until this point let out a small exclamation, as she said "_Jackson's coming back?"_

Alex turned with immediate effect, to look at her, slightly taken aback at her sudden reaction. Their old co-worker and friend Jackson Avery had been gone for a good six months. He'd transferred down to UCLA and no-one had really heard from him since. Shortly after he'd gone, Alex had started seeing April and they were now getting serious. They had originally just been good friends and roommates, also living with Jackson, but after he'd left to move down to LA, April and Alex had spent one too many lonely nights together and had ended up realizing that they meant much more to each other than just roommates. It had not been like any relationship that Alex had experienced before, mainly given that it was very un-complicated. He had decided that April was exactly the kind of woman that he needed in his life. She was kind, honest, funny and very caring if not a little neurotic and insecure at times but in an endearing kind of way. Plus, he was pretty certain that she wasn't about to go crazy or die on him any time soon. She was nice and normal, exactly what he wanted.

With a smug smile on her face Cristina replied. "Yep, that's right. Mr Jackson Avery has been wooed back to Seattle Grace Mercy West by my husband….. and there's more….. he's bringing a mystery new woman with him, who will also be working at the hospital as a doctor… That's one of the many perks of being married to the chief. I get all the inside scoops" she said, clasping her hands together and raising her eyebrows.

Cristina had recently reconciled with her husband, the new chief Owen Hunt and he was turning out to be one of the finest chiefs that the hospital had ever seen. He'd completely transformed the place after its recent devastations, and he'd also persuaded Meredith Grey, Derek Shepherd, Alex Karev and his own wife Cristina Yang, to stay on at the hospital and not to leave, and go to other top hospitals.

"Well, that's great news" Meredith said.

"Yeah, that's great" April repeated, her cheeks flushing and voice shaking slightly, as she took in exactly what Cristina had just said. The man she had lost her virginity too _and _started to fall in love with, until he had abruptly left her, was coming back…. _but with another woman_!

Alex looked at her again, feeling slightly irritated now. April was terrible at hiding how she felt. He knew she still had unresolved feelings for Jackson, she'd told him that herself one night before they'd got together, and she'd also lost her virginity to him too, being a _huge_ deal for her. Which Alex was actually secretly quite relieved about, not wanting to have to deal with the pressure of that himself. But seeing the way she was clamming up now, he felt slightly hurt that she was clearly so affected by Jackson's presence still, even after he'd left her in pieces when he'd just take off for LA. Alex had thought, that now that he and April were finally together, she would be well over _Jackson Avery._

"Well, while you're all swooning over Avery's return. I've got work to do" Alex said sulkily, as he turned to walk away.

"Okay – oh I was thinking of making a lasagne tonight" April said, turning to him and acknowledging him for the first time since Cristina's bombshell.

"Yeah whatever" he replied. As Cristina smirked at him. '_What has my life become?'_ Alex thought to himself, desperate to get away. But he was abruptly stopped from taking another step. As before Cristina or anyone else had a chance to say another word, there was no mistaking who they saw walking straight towards them.

Looking as tall, muscular and handsome as ever and with a fresh spring in his step, it was their old colleague, Dr Jackson Avery and he was accompanied by a tall blonde woman. Causing everyone to immediately stop what they were doing, as they realised just exactly who it was, that was with Jackson. It was as though they were seeing a ghost. She looked subtly different to when they had last seen her, her hair was several inches longer and back to its light golden blonde, her skin looked flawless and sun kissed and her lips full and glossy, and she had clearly returned to her old bubbly self as she flashed them a bright smile saying "Hi."

It was Meredith that was the first to speak "_Izzie!"_ she said, her mouth wide open. She had really missed her old friend Izzie Stevens, but she had never expected to see her working back at Seattle Grace again, after everything that had happened to her there.

"What are you doing here?" Meredith went on to say.

"I've transferred back here" Izzie replied.

Cristina looked at her navy scrubs and a look of confusion crossed her face. She had known she was coming back, but Cristina has presumed as a resident, Owen hadn't said anything about her being an attending. "You're an attending? Have you even passed your boards?" Cristina said, saying out loud what everyone else was thinking.

Izzie's beautiful face flushed, as she put her hands on her hips and looking round at them all she said "Yes I passed my boards and I'm back to my best… what?…..what did you think? Did you think that I'd just crawl away to my Mum's trailer and die?"

Jackson put his hand protectively on her arm then and said "Izzie" as she ignored him and raised her voice even more saying "Well sorry to disappoint you, but if any of you had actually bothered to check. I completed my residency down at UCLA. Which being the fifth best surgical programme in the country, seven places above Seattle Grace, makes me a better _'doctor'_ than all of you!"

Again, silence fell on the room, as they looked at her, that was the feisty Izzie Stevens they all remembered so well, and they were all completely lost for words.

Cristina again broke the silence saying "Well, alright then!"

Mark Sloan then walked forward and gave Izzie a small hug and shook Jackson's hand, before saying "Welcome back you two. Dr Stevens you look amazing and I can tell you that I for one have missed you around here. It's great to have you back adding a touch of much needed glamour to the place again." He was then followed by Bailey and Shepherd, who both also went up to welcome Izzie and Jackson back.

Alex, however stood deadly still. He felt as though his stomach was about to drop through the floor. It was like a bullet to the chest again. He couldn't take his dark eyes off his beautiful ex-wife, and hurt, anger and confusion protruded from them. Izzie Stevens had been the complete love of his life and had also broken his heart so painfully years before, when she'd left him. '_What the hell was she doing back here? and with Jackson of all people?'_ he thought to himself. She was honestly the last person he expected to see when he arrived for work that morning. He had given up hope he would ever see, or hear from her again. It wasn't that he didn't still think about her and miss her. He still thought about her every _dam_ day and some days that was all he seemed to do. But he'd convinced himself that he had to move on, that he had to forget her and what could have been between them. The searing pain that he'd felt in the dark, lonely months after she'd left him, had now been replaced with an aching scar, that he had learned to live with. Knowing deep down, that it would probably never go away. He clenched his fists, as his pulse raced and he felt a presence beside him and he quickly remembered that April was stood right next to him. He had nothing to say to her at this precise moment though, as he sensed she was about to say something to him, so he quickly made his excuses and walked away.

* * *

Later that day, trying to put the scene she had created with her initial outburst, out of her head, Izzie jumped straight back in to work. Trying to remember that was the reason she was back. She wanted to show everyone, what a _bad ass_ doctor she had become, after she had left years before, under a cloud of darkness and humiliation. Having been fired and rejected by her husband.

Her first day was certainly turning out to be challenging, as Izzie found she had an emergency to deal with. A heavily pregnant woman who had been in a serious accident. She needed another surgeon and Meredith was on call. Izzie hadn't spoken to Meredith yet, so was a litle apprehensive, when she realised they would be working together again so soon.

Walking abruptly in to the room, Meredith simply said "You paged me?" as she scanned the patient chart. Being careful not to look Izzie in the eye. _'Okay, this is going to be awkward'_ Izzie thought.

After they'd carried out the initial examinations and were reviewing the tests together, Izzie was going over her diagnosis. Meredith turned to her, as she slowly said "You really have become a good doctor haven't you?"

Izzie looked up at her, as she replied. "Don't act so surprised"

Meredith smiled "I'm not surprised Iz, it's just that after you left and we didn't hear from you. I was worried"

Izzie looked at her, with sadness in her eyes then, as she said "I wish you knew how sorry I am Mer. But I needed to leave the way I did, otherwise I'd never have had the courage to move on and start again. Please understand that. But I thought about you all the time. I missed you so much, you have to believe that."

Meredith took her hand then, as she simply said. "I know. I missed you too" and she paused. "UCLA though Iz, and passing your boards after you were so behind. How did you manage that?"

Izzie swallowed and said "Well, I had a great mentor. I got my head down. I worked every hour I could, I studied and I got in on as many surgeries as possible….. plus I just concentrated on the medicine there, no dramas and I sure as hell made sure I didn't sleep with any work colleagues."

They both laughed then, as Meredith said "Well, I'm not easily impressed, but well, I'm impressed Iz" she then looked at Izzie intently, as she raised an eyebrow and said "So, you and Jackson?…"

Izzie looked away "It's complicated. I mean he's great and we get on really well, and he's probably one of my best friends now, and he's really _hot!_ But I swore I wouldn't get involved with anyone in the medical profession again, after my disastrous track record. But, he persuaded me to come back here with him... so it's complicated"

The room went silent for a second, as they both pondered what Izzie had said, as she suddenly blurted out "How's Alex doing?"

Meredith fidgeted with her hands "He's good, really good. I mean it took him a while, but he's finally found his calling in ped's. He was about to move to John Hopkins, but decided to stay here at the last minute" She stopped, letting her old friend, process that information, before Izzie said quietly "He's moved on hasn't he?"

Meredith looked her directly in the eye and said "Yes, I'm sorry Iz" Izzie sighed "It's okay Mer. I knew he would…. It's what I expected and at the end of the day I just want him to be happy" she said, as she sensed tears forming, in the corners of her eyes and she felt as though her heart was about to break in two.

* * *

Later that night going over all the excitement that had taken place at the hospital that day, because of Jackson returning with Izzie. Alex was lying in bed next to April. They had been careful not to bring up the subject themselves, both having their own issues to work through, where their ex's were concerned and as much as April wanted to discuss it, Alex had made it very clear that talking about his feelings for Izzie, was strictly off limits. April therefore, was talking about how she had misdiagnosed a patient earlier that day and then about a conversation she'd had with her Mom about a wedding they were supposed to be going to. Alex wasn't in the slightest bit interested in any of it and April stopped talking, realizing he wasn't responding. She reached over to kiss him and he half-heartedly responded. As she pulled off her pyjama top and touched him, he froze. It just wasn't doing it for him, not after the day he'd had. The sex between them had always been mediocre anyway for Alex. But he knew he had to be patient with April. She'd only lost her virginity months before they'd got together. She was in-experienced and although she tried her hardest to please him and he didn't want to hurt her feelings, she didn't even touch the edges of being able to satisfy him. At times he felt as though he was fucking a virginal teenage girl again, which in a way she was. But as he started to develop stronger feelings for her, he'd hoped that this part of his relationship with April would get better with time and he'd desperately tried not to compare her to his perfect ex-wife.

The sex with Izzie had totally blown his mind, not only had she known all the right buttons to push and done things to him that he didn't think possible, but he had been crazy in love with her and they had shared a deep connection. Which had made _making love_ a whole different experience to anything he'd had before. He knew nothing else would ever live up to that and it wouldn't be fair to expect it to, so he'd tried his hardest to focus on the here and now with April. But seeing Izzie for the first time in years earlier that day, looking exactly as she had in all his many memories and fantasies. He knew that there was no way he would be able to stop himself thinking about her during sex with April, or at any other moment of the day and it was literally driving him _crazy_ to think she was with Jackson now!

….


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

The next day, at the hospital, Alex was sat slumped in a chair in an empty office, staring at some scan results on a computer screen, frowning to himself, with his chin in his hands. He wasn't concentrating on anything but Izzie. He still hadn't spoken to her and so many questions were floating around his head. He wanted to know exactly what was she doing back? What the hell was she doing with Jackson? What exactly would he say to her when he finally did speak to her?

He sighed to himself, as he heard the door slowly creak open and a familiar female presence came and sat down on the chair next to him. He turned to see his friend Meredith Grey, and without saying anything, he looked blankly back at the screen.

Meredith then took a deep breath and said "Okay, so she's transferred up from UCLA, where she's been working for the past two years. She got top marks in her boards, then offers from two leading hospitals and she's doing really well. She's fully in remission, apart from one small scare a couple of years ago….. and I'm not sure what's going on with Jackson. I think they're just here as friends, but like I said, I'm not sure, and that's all I know." She gasped, as she realised that she'd said all that, without taking a breath.

Alex didn't even look up, as he said said dismissively "Whatever. I'm not really bothered"

Meredith raised her eyebrow, and exasperation came through in her voice, as she said "Don't give me that Alex. I know you care. You don't fool me"and she sighed to herself. What was it about Izzie, she thought, that made Alex revert back in to such a douchebag, and she got up to walk out, before turning back and saying. "Oh, and she's working in the clinic this morning and it's quiet, just in case you wanted to go and talk to her."

Alex continued to stare at the screen, as he said "Why would I want to do that?" although, they both knew exactly where he would be later that day. He would have to speak to Izzie, he couldn't stop himself.

As Alex walked across to the clinic, he wondered exactly what he was doing. _'Why was he chasing after Izzie again? After she'd left him and not come back!_' Approaching the clinic entrance, he cautiously opened the door and saw that Meredith was right. It was nearly empty. Except for Izzie, talking and laughing to an elderly couple, holding up some medicine to them and explaining something by using big hand gestures. She was still so good with patients, Alex thought to himself, as he watched her. She looked relaxed and happy again. Exactly as he remembered her, before the cancer stole her sunny sparkle and self-resect.

He continued to watch her and it brought back a whole host of memories. She glanced over then and saw him, and her posture immediately changed, as she looked more self-conscious, and she quickly finished up with the patients.

Alex tentatively made his way across the clinic towards her. He took a long look at her beautiful face, she really didn't look as though she had aged at all, her skin had a healthy glow, her big wide eyes were bright and alert, her blonde hair was shiny and loosely tied up, falling seductively over her face. Just like she'd always worn it when she was younger. Her body was still curvaceous and in great shape, as Alex glanced at it and felt his heart flutter and a slight tingle spread across his body, as she stepped closer to him and he simply looked her straight in the eye and said "You're back."

Izzie looked at her ex-husband. He was so handsome still. He looked older, but his dark features and bad boy scowl still sent shock waves through her whole system. Not a day had gone by, when she hadn't thought about him and regretted what had happened between them. So she looked back in to his eyes, and said "Yes I'm back…..Alex, I didn't want you to find out like this. I wanted to tell you myself."

"Why didn't you then?" he said slowly.

"It all happened so quickly, and I wasn't sure if you would still be here." She said, as she paused, trying to gauge his reaction.

"Are you back for good then?" he replied.

"For now, I don't expect you to understand, but I had to come back. I know you said…." She stopped and trailed off. She didn't want to drag up the past, not here.

They were both silent for a couple of seconds, before Alex said "I'm sorry. I have to go" He was feeling increasingly uncomfortable. All he wanted was to do was to touch her again, his body ached for that. He wanted to go back in time, to a time when they were together and he had been truly happy. But he knew that was impossible, everything was different now. They had both changed, he had a great career and a real shot at a future with a lovely girl that he cared deeply about, and Izzie was okay. She was alive and her career was back on track. He knew that he had to put what they'd had behind him, as a lump formed in his throat and he turned and walked straight back out of the clinic.

* * *

Later that day, Izzie was walking across the hospital looking for Sloan to discuss the surgery she had planned for the pregnant woman that had come in the day before. She was trying to focus on the case, but she was feeling sad and a little emotional, and she couldn't get the brief exchange she'd had with Alex in the clinic earlier, out of her head. There was so much she had wanted to say to him, but he had given her nothing. Although she knew deep down that was all she could expect, after the way things had ended between them, when he'd made it clear he never wanted to see her again. Plus, he was with someone else now; he had moved on, he probably didn't love her anymore, not like she loved him. That was something she would have to live with for the rest of her life, Izzie thought sadly. Just as she smelt a familiar aftershave and strong muscular arms wrapped around her waist and a male voice said "Dr Stevens" Izzie spun around to glance straight up in to the sexiest blue eyes she had ever seen. They never failed to set her heart on fire and if it hadn't been for his friendship and encouragement, she would never had had the courage to set foot back in Seattle Grace Mercy West.

"Dr Avery" Izzie replied, and a wide grin spread across her face, and for a moment she forgot all about Alex.

"So, good decision to come back?" he said.

"Not bad" she replied, they flirted outrageously whenever they saw each other, and despite being great friends, it was very clear that they wanted more from each other badly.

"Well, you what to know what might make it even better?" Jackson teased.

"Oh, what's that?" Izzie replied, batting her long eyelashes.

"I found the perfect apartment, just across the street from the hospital, and I wondered if you wanted to live with me. It has wooden floors, huge rooms and a real fireplace"

Izzie giggled "Mmm wooden floors and a real fireplace tempting….. I have had other offers you know, but let me think… yes Jackson, I'll live with you."

He grinned back at her and his eyes lit up. He'd had had a thing for Izzie, ever since their first encounter back in LA, when they had first performed a surgery together and she had taken him under her wing. He had barely recognised her from when she had been in Seattle, they had only overlapped briefly, but he did remember thinking that she was hot even back then. Izzie was tall, blonde and curvy, just his type. But he only really knew her, as being Karev's wife and then ex-wife. He also knew, Karev was pretty cut up over her. Alex had never really mentioned her, but whenever Izzie's name had come up, Jackson had seen the effect it'd had on Alex Karev and he'd known, she must have been something special.

As they became closer down in LA, Izzie had helped him forget all about his last encounter with a woman back in Seattle,_ April!_ Jackson had left Seattle in a hurry, after April had made it clear she regretted losing her virginity to him. If he was completely honest his feelings about that, and April in general, were very confused.

But in a different city and new hospital, Jackson had fallen for Izzie big time. She was funny, smart, gutsy, and a great doctor with a huge heart, plus she was beautiful, with huge dreamy come to bed eyes, he was smitten, she was perfect. The furthest he'd got was a brief kiss though, but he was working on more and he'd managed to somehow persuade her to move back to Seattle Grace with him.

"Great, well I'll put the deposit down then" Jackson said. "Oh and we're in on a surgery together later. Mrs King the pregnant woman that needs reconstruction surgery. I'm assisting Sloan"

Izzie flashed him back one of her brightest smiles them, as she said "Awesome. I'll see you in the OR later then" Her sad mood from moments earlier, being quickly replaced with one of excitement, she might not be able to have Alex now, but he was the past and maybe Jackson was the _future!_

…..


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

"Watch it!"an angry male voice said. As wandering aimlessly, through the hospital, April walked straight in to an oncoming tall man in scrubs.

"Sorry" she mumbled, quickly being snapped out of her daydream about Jackson. She still couldn't quite get her head around the fact that he was back. She had finally started to move on, and put what had happened between them in San Francisco behind her, slowly taking him off the pedestal that she had so firmly placed him on after that magical night. Knowing now, that however hard it was to accept, he just wasn't the _one_.

"Dr Kepner. Are you ok?" April looked up to see Richard Webber looking down at her. Dam it, of all people _'why did it have to be him?'_ she thought. The old chief, had already written her off as a complete loser and she knew that he thought she should never have been re-hired _again!_

"Yeah I'm fine" she replied feebly.

"Well you were miles away. Somewhere you need to be?" Webber said sternly. He couldn't help himself, he knew he was no longer chief, but he still felt a moral responsibility, to make sure that the hospital was running smoothly and that all its staff were functioning properly.

"I'm just going to find Dr Shepherd. I'm working with him today." April said, as she turned to walk off, her cheeks burning with embarrassment.

In the old days, April would have had a swarm of butterflies, at the prospect of working with Derek Shepherd. But she had come to realize, that, had been nothing but a silly crush. Now that she had experienced what it was like to actually be in a serious relationship and have a proper boyfriend.

As April navigated her way through the maze of wide corridors, her head down meekly, she found herself slipping back in to her day dream and she sighed as she realized she needed to pull herself together. She had been given another chance at the hospital and she couldn't mess up this time. She had to focus on her career. Her fling or whatever the hell it had been with Jackson, had caused her to screw up once. She couldn't let it happen again. But the thought of exactly what they would say to each other, when their paths eventually crossed, now that he was back at the hospital again, just wouldn't go away.

Ironically just as April looked up, there walking straight towards her was Jackson. He looked incredible still, as she glanced at his toned, manly, physique and handsome face and she blushed and looked away. Thinking she had absolutely no idea what to say to him. Maybe she could pretend she hadn't seen him, she thought, as she quickly looked in the opposite direction. But it was too late.

"April, April" Jackson said, stopping and looking directly at her with a friendly smile. April's heart skipped a beat then, as she realized, the old chemistry that had been bubbling away for years, was still very much abundant. As Jackson's blue eyes lit up and April felt herself melt in to them again.

"Oh hi" April eventually said, smiling back. The way he was looking at her, made her, just for a split second, have a vivid flash back to the way he had gazed at her back in San Francisco and she wondered if she still meant something to him.

But no '_he's with Izzie now, he's with Izzie now! _April kept repeating to herself over and over again, trying hard, to come back down to earth, annoyed that he still had such a profound effect on her, after the way he had treated her.

"How have you been?" Jackson said, looking at April intently, her pretty face still looked so fresh faced and innocent to him.

April wasn't sure where she should start. Did she tell him the truth?, that for weeeks she had been a complete mess and that after he had left, she had never felt so used, miserable and alone. She had given him her virginity, started to fall in love with him, foolishly thinking he felt the same way about her, even started fantasising about marriage and kids. Before he'd so cruelly abruptly up and left, at a time when she'd been so weak and vulnerable anyway after failing her boards. Telling her that the timing was wrong for them and that she needed to date other people. J_ust like that_, after she'd thought it had been so special. She would have expected that from Alex back then. He had always been the one that she considered to be the ass of the two and the one she should steer well clear of. Alex had never made any secret of his opinions on casual sex and relationships. But that was all just an act, she had now quickly come to realize.

April swallowed then, as she simply looked back at Jackson and said "Good. I'm doing good"

Jackson looked awkward then, as he paused and said "I'm glad" Before laughing, as he said "I can't believe you and Alex… after everything you said about him. I mean, I didn't see that one coming."

April's cheeks flushed, so that was all she, and her love life were to him now, _one big joke_. She thought about how she had stupidly felt a slight twinge of guilt that she had run straight in to the arms of one of Jackson's friends, after he'd left and part of her had secretly hoped that maybe, just maybe, he would have felt a tiny bit of regret or jealousy. That she wasn't just plain, boring old April, the virgin. That another man actually found her attractive and wanted to be with her, even if he didn't. But then she remembered that Jackson was with Izzie now. _Why would he care about her anymore?_

"I'm sorry" Jackson quickly said, as he noticed April's change in expression and he stopped laughing.

He hadn't meant to hurt her feelings, but laughing was the only way he could really make sense of the situation. Jackson had agonised for weeks after his decision to leave her and Seattle. He had wanted to be with April for so long, and he had thought that she must regret what had happened in San Francisco, that it had been a spur of the moment decision for her, brought on by anxiety. April had gone against all her principles and he wished that he had made it more special for her. As that was what he had always planned to do. But he also knew, he couldn't undo the past. April was and always would be very special to him. But he had messed up, and run away like a coward. unable to face up to his feelings back then and now he had lost her to _Karev of all people._

But he suddenly felt warm inside as he thought of Izzie. He was slowly becoming besotted with her now, and maybe April being with Alex was for the best. As he touched her arm and said kindly "I'm glad you're happy now" April just nodded, thinking '_please don't cry, please don't cry'._

April was happy with Alex. They had fun together. He had persuaded her to be less uptight about everything and she looked after him and made him realiZe that he didn't have to be so mad at the world. April had been very wary of Alex when she had first known him. He was so hostile all the time and she was certain he didn't like her, returning each one of her sympathetic smiles with an angry glare. But she'd heard the rumours that his wife had walked out on him and she came to realize that it wasn't just her, he was like that with everyone. So she gave him a chance. It took a long time, but eventually they became friends and somehow to her surprise, it was Alex not Jackson, that was there for her when her world came crashing down around her, and she failed her boards.

"Well maybe we could grab a coffee sometime" Jackson then said, as he turned to walk away.

April choked back the tears realizing that whatever had happened between them, was now very much over. As she managed to say "Yeah I'd like that" before Jackson was gone.

* * *

Later that day trying to put any more thoughts of Jackson firmly out of her head, April pressed the button for the elevator and yawned. She hadn't got much sleep the night before and her mind started wandering again and she thought of the messy awkward sex, she'd had with Alex and she winced.

If April was honest, the sex in her relationship wasn't everything she'd built it up to be. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy being with Alex. It was just that it was such a stark contrast to her _perfect_ first time with Jackson.

Jackson had been a complete gentleman. He had treated her like a china doll, being nothing but gentle, tender and caring throughout and reassuring her and asking her repeatedly if she was ok. April had felt, for the first time in her life as though she was the most beautiful girl in the world. As Jackson, had gazed straight at her with his dazzling blue eyes. Alex on the other hand, never made eye contact, when they were having sex and he always seemed so robotic and aloof, as though he was going through the motions, but was somewhere else and she always ended up feeling disappointed and as though something wasn't quite right. April knew she wasn't very good at it, Alex didn't have to say anything and she didn't have to be an expert to know that he wasn't enjoying it. She wanted to talk to him about it, ask him what she was doing wrong, but whenever April attempted to bring it up, Alex shut down. She found it so frustrating that he was so reluctant to talk about personal stuff. or even just his feelings in general, all April wanted to do was please him and she just wished he would let her.

Just as she was about to give up and take the stairs the elevator doors promptly opened and out rushed, Sloan, Yang and Bailey, with a heavily pregnant woman on a stretcher. "Quick page Stevens and Avery" Bailey yelled. "We're running out of time."

April suddenly shuddered all over at the mention of those names and stepped aside, feeling more than a little useless. As she remembered, what it was like to be rushing a patient to surgery and decided right then and there she would have to step up her game. she was no longer going to be scared, weak and feeble, she would show them all.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

"The babies in distress, page Karev" Bailey yelled, as she rushed the patient down the sterile white hospital corridors. Followed by a team of the hospitals finest surgeons, Sloan, Avery, Yang and Stevens. The patient had been scheduled for an operation later that day, but her baby needed to be delivered, before that could happen and they were both in serious danger.

Inside the OR Izzie was centre stage. it wasn't the first time she had performed an emergency C section, under these conditions. But it was for her back at Seattle Grace, with her old colleagues watching her and not under the supervision of her old mentor Addison Montgomery, who had been working with Izzie part time at her hospital back in LA.

Izzie turned anxiously to meet Jackson's piercing blue eyes staring intently back at her, reassuring her she could do it. She took a deep breath and picked up the scalpel, just as Alex walked in to the room and she suddenly felt sick again, as she focused on the job ahead and nothing but saving the baby. As they worked and the baby's heart rate became more stable, everyone relaxed.

"Good work Dr Model" Jackson said to Izzie, and her eyes flashed him an unimpressed look back, as she said "Shut up!"

"Dr Model eh?" Sloan said. "Haven't heard that for a while."

Jackson laughed as he said "Izzie did some modelling work down in LA recently."

Bailey who had been silent up until this point, then turned to Izzie and said "Really?"

Izzie looked embarrassed, as she said. "It was nothing ok …. Thanks Jackson!"

Jackson continued to laugh, as he said "It was not nothing, it was a top magazine shoot"

Izzie looked down, giggling nervously "It_ was_ nothing, just some old contacts and I needed the money to cover my huge medical bills from when I was sick … "

In the corner of the room, Alex felt his fist screw up, as he remained silent and stony faced, trying to act oblivious and unfazed by what Izzie was saying.

As glaring back at Jackson, Izzie said in a flirty tone "You're just jealous, because I've still got _it_ and all that's approaching you is a middle aged spread."

Jackson looked back at her, as though she was the only person in the room and said "I don't think so. Have you seen my six pack recently?"

"Easy you two!" Sloan said, raising his eyebrows. "I think you'd better get yourselves a hotel room later, to work out some of this sexual tension that's clearly flying around my OR."

Izzie's cheeks flushed and Jackson just looked down and shook his head laughing, thinking that there was nothing he would like to do more. As he thought about how it would just be the two of them in their new apartment together later. Bailey coughed abruptly, sensing there was a real atmosphere brewing, and gestured to Sloan with her head towards Alex, who was still sat silent and motionless staring at the machine monitoring the baby's heartbeat.

Sloan looked away, he was more than aware Alex Karev was in the room and pissing him off had been actually been his main intention with his last few remarks. He had never liked Alex Karev and when he had slept with his 'girl' it had ruined everything, he'd had with her. He despised Karev for that. He knew that what had happened between him and Lexie, wasn't completely Alex's fault, but it felt better to have someone to blame. He could kind of make sense of it somehow that way. Sloan also knew, he had a major hold over Alex Karev. As he was one of the only people that knew exactly, just how much he still loved his ex-wife Izzie Stevens. He'd been there after Karev had been shot and lay dying, Mark Sloan had been there for one person only _'Lexie'. _But he'd also heard Karev cry out for Izzie, confessing how much he loved her and for her to never leave him again. So Sloan was very aware, just how hard his words about 'Izzie and Jackson', would have been hitting Alex. For it took one to know one, and Mark Sloan knew that although he was with April now, Alex Karev was damaged beyond repair, by the real woman he loved, _as Sloan himself was too!_

…

As Avery and Sloan worked on the mother, Izzie walked over to stand next to Bailey and stare in awe at the tiny baby whose life they had just saved as Alex monitored her. "She's stable" Alex said gently. Izzie gushed at the sight of Alex and the baby, as Bailey said to her. "You want one of your own yet Stevens?" not taking her eyes off the tiny baby in front of them either.

Izzie's eyes lit up, as she smiled and said "Yeah sure lots, soon hopefully. But you know, got to find a suitable person to have them with first." She glanced quickly sideways, at Alex then, and saw him stir, and she felt a pang in her chest. It should be them, with their first baby now.

"Err can you still have babies? What with the IL2 treatment and all?" Cristina suddenly blurted out.

"Dr Yang" Bailey said fiercely. Cristina looked away. Bailey could still be the nazi when she needed to be.

Izzie turned crimson at such a personal question, as Alex coughed, clearly feeling uncomfortable too. "No it's okay." Izzie then said, as she cleared her throat "Somehow I had one piece of good luck and someone somewhere must have been smiling down at me, as I still need to buy tampons from time to time, and well I never thought I'd say it, but it it's a godsend."

Alex felt a sudden rush of emotion, as he still pretended not to be listening to Izzie's conversation with Bailey and Cristina. But the words Izzie had just said had an immense effect on him, and he felt physically sick.

Alex knew that he should be happy that Izzie could still conceive a baby naturally, but he couldn't help but feel as though it also symbolized that his role in her life was clearly now very much redundant. He had thought all the time, about the frozen embryos they had made when she'd had cancer. How his unquestionable love for her back then, had made him give his contribution without hesitation. He still, even now, years later, thought about how they were stored away in the hospital somewhere and what his and Izzie's babies would actually be like, if they ever used them. Over the past few years on his most dark and lonely days, they had given him some hope, that maybe one day she would come back to him. That she would still need him for something. But now, it turned out they weren't needed after all and she was free to make a baby with Jackson or some other loser. Alex felt crushed and deflated and as though this really was the end to their relationship forever.

But then he felt pissed with himself, that he even cared still. He should be thinking about his future with April now, and what their kids would be like. As he stood up and turned and walked abruptly out of the room. Leaving the door angrily swinging back and forth behind him.

* * *

At the end of the day, after they had both changed, Jackson and Izzie were stood by the hospital entrance ready to go home together. "So first night in our new apartment" Jackson said suggestively at Izzie.

"Hmm could be fun…" Izzie said back playfully.

Just as Mark Sloan appeared out of no-where and placed both his hands firmly on their shoulders. "Ah my two favourite people at the moment. Can I buy you both a drink?" Sloan said, a wide grin on his face. The surgery earlier had gone exceptionally well and for once he was in a good mood.

"Sounds good." Jackson replied, grinning. But the smile slowly eased off his face, as he glanced over to see April stood outside the hospital entrance on her own, looking lost, with a worried expression on her face and Jackson's heart melted slightly. April looked so timid and vulnerable, like a little lost deer. Jackson had felt full of guilt all day, for the hurt way she had looked at him, as he had laughed at her earlier, and seeing her now on her own, he felt a strong desire to make sure she was ok. Izzie was deep in a conversation with Sloan, so he turned to them and said "Go on without me. I'll catch you up."

However, as he turned to walk towards April, Jackson suddenly saw her smile and her entire face light up. As there walking towards her was Alex, and as he approached her, Alex leant down and kissed her and they walked off together hand in hand. Jackson smiled to himself, that she was happy now. But then he felt a surge of an emotion he could only place, as a mixture between regret and sadness, that it wasn't so long ago, that April's whole face used to light up like that for him.

Then Jackson looked over at the hot blonde girl walking up to him, as Izzie said "You coming?" and he remembered the excitement he'd felt moments earlier, at what the rest of the night could bring!


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

Later that night at Joes bar. Izzie was sat at the bar, laughing and joking with Jackson and Mark Sloan. "Well, I think we make a very good team" Sloan said, raising his glass. As Izzie glanced over at Jackson and they both smiled at each other.

At the other side of the bar, Alex was sat in a booth with April. He had a beer and she was sipping a tonic water. He winced, as he heard Izzie's infectious, bubbly laugh, projecting across the room and he looked over to see her sat with Avery and Sloan. Just as Izzie looked over too and caught his eye for a split second, before Alex moodily turned away.

Alex had barely spoken to Izzie, since she had been back, and he felt frustrated, that he had bottled it earlier that day, when he had gone to confront her in the clinic about why she was back. Seeing her now at the bar with Jackson he was furious. Alex wasn't quite sure what he was so annoyed about, whether it was the fact that, that sneaky bastard Avery was all over his his ex-wife and was clearly working his way in to her pants. Or that Izzie was very clearly, rubbing it in his face, that she had the hots for Avery too, after the way they had flirted outrageously in the OR earlier in front of him. Or was it simply that April was making no secret of the fact, that she kept staring over at Jackson and Izzie too, with that pathetic desperate look on her face.

Flashing an annoyed look at April, Alex said gruffly. "You know, you could just go over there and join them."

April looked embarrassed, she wasn't quite sure how to respond, as she said hurriedly "Oh no, why would I would I want to do that? I'm fine here with you." Forcing a small smile on to her lips. Just as she simply couldn't help herself, and she looked over at them again.

If she was honest, April was desperate to speak to Jackson again, after their brief exchange of words earlier in the hospital corridor. Being so close to him again, had been a harsh reminder of just how heartbroken she'd been, when he'd left earlier in the year. Losing her virginity was such a big deal for April and she'd really thought Jackson had feelings for her, and that it had meant something to him too. Jackson had always been so protective and caring over her, before it had happened. But afterwards, when he had told her that he needed to go, and that she needed to date other people, he had practically made out he was doing her a favour and that she would be better off without him. But April honestl,y had never felt more rejected. It had then been Alex, that had then been so sweet and supportive and had helped her pick up the pieces of her broken heart, and through her pain, she had found herself seeing Alex in a whole new light and she was now trying her hardest to move on from what had happened with Jackson in San Francisco and make a real go of things with Alex.

April had actually always had a thing for Alex. He was so handsome and broody. But he had always seemed so cold, moody and cagey, that she had written anything happening between them off a long time ago. Thinking she just wasn't his type. Meredith had said, on more than one occasion, that Alex was just very screwed up over his ex-wife, and bad childhood. Which had made April want to be there for him too and try and fix him, and what had started as a crush, ended up developing in to much more and now April felt sure that in a way, she did love Alex and he was the now, the only man for her, after the way Jackson had betrayed her.

But now seeing Jackson again, April was so confused, and she just couldn't help the feelings she still had for him. She wanted to talk to him again urgently, but every time she saw him, he always seemed to be with _Izzie Stevens. _April looked at the two of sat at the bar together now, as Jackson leaned in and said something to her and Izzie blushed and went to hit him playfully, and Jackson just smiled and stared intently at her back. April sighed, she knew she shouldn't be, but she just couldn't help it, she was _jealous._

April didn't really remember Izzie Stevens from when she was at Seattle Grace before. All she really knew about her back then, was that she was Alex's ex-wife, she'd had cancer, and she had been fired at the same time as her. April really couldn't even picture what she looked like exactly, although she had known that she used to be a Bethany Whispers model, so presumed that she must have been hot, before she'd been sick. Meredith and Cristina mentioned her from time to time, but Alex never so much as uttered Izzie's name and whenever anyone else did, it made him act distinctly awkwardly. April gathered that Alex had loved Izzie very much and that she had also hurt him badly, and as much as she had wanted to ask Alex more about Izzie, April had never dared. Along with his family and childhood, Izzie was one of the subjects, she avoided with Alex. As she knew how defensive and uptight he could be, when he felt uncomfortable.

But seeing her here now with Jackson, April couldn't quite believe, how stunning Izzie actually was. She was tall and blonde, with perfect pert breasts. Plus, she was beautiful. She also seemed to be, funny, confident and popular. Things that her whole life, April had never considered herself to be. Izzie Stevens, was the kind of girl that April had always longed to be at high school. The girl that all the guys wanted to be with, and all the girls wanted to be friends with. While she was just boring, plain, reliable, April. The runner up prize, the girl that was left behind, only picked when all the prettier, more interesting girls were taken. Was that what her relationship with Alex was all about? She thought miserably, as she looked across at his unhappy face too.

Alex caught her eye then, and downed his drink. "Let's get out of here" he said kindly. Seeing both their ex's having the time of their lives at the bar, wasn't doing either of them any good, he thought. As April nodded.

As they walked out together, Alex slid his arm, protectively around April's waist. Before he took a final look over at Izzie and Jackson, deep in conversation, their foreheads practically touching, and Alex told himself, they were welcome to each other. He'd grown up, and he was a better man now, than the one that had been so besotted with Izzie years before. Back then, he would have literally done anything for her. Including wrecking his whole career. He knew now, that he deserved better than that and the way Izzie had always treated him as second best, and now finally, he had better, he thought. As he looked at April next to him. April had never done anything to hurt him, and she was the love of his life now.

But reaching the door, Alex was unable to stop himself glancing back at Izzie, she was like a drug to him, and he knew, that however much he tried to convince himself that Izzie was no good for him. He could _never, ever stop loving her._


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6

"I am _so_ going to regret this, in the morning" Izzie said ,with a mischievous look at Jackson, as they downed yet another tequila shot.

They were back at their new apartment, after leaving the bar, and their unpacked suitcases were still lying, all around them. As they laughed hysterically. It was the most fun either of them had for ages. Both having been so apprehensive about their return to Seattle, and it had been more than a little awkward earlier that evening at the bar with April and Alex being there too.

…..

Jackson wasn't quite sure how it had happened so quickly, but it had. He had kissed Izzie. It was true, that it was something he had wanted to do for weeks anyway, but the sight of April with Alex that evening and the thought of what they might be doing together right now, had made Jackson step it up a gear. He needed to try and put April out of his mind. So one minute, he was drinking and laughing with Izzie, and the next their lips were locked together in the most sensational kiss that either of them had experienced for a long time. Izzie had responded eagerly to his advances, and as she had moved her body closer to his, and they were getting more than a little carried away, Jackson suddenly thought of the last time he'd been in this situation back in San Francisco, when everything had felt so _right_ and after months of tension, he had finally got together with April.

But everything had been so different back then. April hadn't failed her boards, she was still a virgin and he hadn't messed everything up and most importantly she wasn't with _Alex Karev_. It had come as a shock to Jackson, to find that April had been so ready to move on to another man. He wasn't quite sure what he had expected, whether he'd hoped she would still be there waiting and pining away for him. But whatever it was, it certainly wasn't for her to have moved on and to be in another, almost certainly sexual relationship, with someone like Karev. She was _way_ too good for a scumbag like that, Jackson thought.

It wasn't that he thought Alex was a bad person, it was just that he had experienced first-hand, the way he treated women, and he would have had serious concerns over any of his female friends getting involved with Karev, let alone April.

That aside Jackson had spent a lot of time with Alex before he had left Seattle. He wouldn't have gone so far as to say that the two of them were friends and when he'd first transferred to Seattle Grace, he positively couldn't stand the guy. Thinking he was rude, arrogant and unpleasant from the start. Enhanced even further by the cruel way, he had treated April that one time too. But as time had gone on Jackson and Alex had settled in to mutual state of respect, understanding and what could be described as a sort of friendship. Although Jackson felt certain that this was just due to their circumstances, as he would never properly understand Karev, and he wouldn't normally have been someone, that he would have freely wanted to spend time with.

However, since Jackson he had been back in Seattle, apart from a brief nod, he'd had virtually no contact with Alex at al,l and they had stayed firmly out of each other's way. Jackson couldn't work out if Alex felt guilty that he had moved in on April so quickly, or whether he was jealous that Jackson had returned with his ex-wife.

….

Trying to put thoughts of April and Alex out of his head Jackson focused on Izzie, and he couldn't deny kissing her felt incredible. He'd had many a sexual fantasy about Izzie, her luscious thick blonde hair, long legs, and full lips, that looked more than ready to whisper plenty of erotic thoughts to him. Izzie was the kind of girl he'd gone for his whole life, blonde, pretty, bubbly, flirty, and he knew the familiar pattern of how a relationship with a girl like that would turn out for him. But right now, he was just focusing on the moment and having fun, without too much thought as to where they might end up, and before either of them knew it, their clothes were all over the apartment, and they were having hot sex. Which had been a long time coming for both of them.

…

"Wow, that was just incredible" Jackson said, as they both lay back breathless on his bed. He'd slept with plenty of women, but Izzie was up there as one of the best, and he wondered, just how Karev could have been married to her and ever let her go.

As he draped his arm loosely around her shoulder, a satisfied smile on his face, Jackson sensed Izzie's mind was elsewhere and he wondered exactly what she was thinking. Jackson wasn't a fool, he'd noticed the look she and Alex had given each other earlier in the bar. He knew things must have been pretty full on between them, for them to have actually got married and he wanted to know exactly what had happened and why she'd had such an effect on Alex Karev.

As his fingertips lightly traced a pattern on her skin, Jackson couldn't help himself and he said "So what really happened between you and Alex?"

Izzie was silent for a few seconds, before she said "Jackson, do we really have to talk about that now?" This was a question that she had known she would have to face sooner or later, but after they had finally slept together and she was lying contently in Jackson's strong arms, Izzie really didn't want to spoil the moment by thinking about Alex. Izzie wasn't quite sure what had made her finally give it up to Jackson, she didn't sleep around, and had planned for them to live together as friends first, before trying anything more, becuase she really couldn't face being hurt again. But she suspected her eagerness to jump in to bed with Jackson, could have had something to do with the fact that her ex-husband was sat in the bar that night, with his new girlfriend and had made it very clear, that he wasn't in the slightest bit interested in Izzie anymore and had clearly moved on. Alex had barely even said a single civil word to Izzie, throughout the entire course of the surgery that they had performed together earlier that day either_. Screw him then_ Izzie had thought, although she couldn't help it, _it had hurt like hell._

However, Jackson wouldn't let it drop and he pressed further as he said…. "I just want to know what the story is Izzie. If anything's going to happen between us, I have a right to know. I mean I don't listen to gossip but…."

Izzie quickly interrupted him then, saying. "I don't know what you've heard, or what he's told you but.."

This time Jackson interrupted her, and said "He's not told me anything, he's never even so much as mentioned your name to me"

At hearing this Izzie looked like she was about to cry, _had she really meant that little to Alex?_ Jackson sensed that he had said the wrong thing and he hadn't wanted to hurt Izzie, he really hadn't, but he was just curious. What it was about Alex Karev that had managed to get Izzie and now _April?_

So he said "I just want to know how a lovely, sweet and beautiful girl like you, would have ever married such a jerk like him." Jackson realized instantly, how harsh the words were, as they came out of his mouth and he surprised himself, that he felt so much resentment towards Alex. Was this really all about Izzie? They had been divorced for years after all, and he'd never really given that much thought to their marriage, when he and Izzie had both been down in LA.

Izzie then looked very defensive at the strength of Jackson's words about Alex, as she said "He's not a jerk. The thing you have to understand about Alex, is that his image of being this total badass, who doesn't care about anyone, it's all an act. He wasn't dealt a very good hand in life, he had some pretty bad things happen to him when he was younger and…" she stopped, knowing Alex certainly wouldn't thank her for telling anyone, the full horrific details of his past. She knew, she was the only person, he had confessed most of it to, and it had taken years for him to even trust her enough, to let her in, and all she had done was leave him, Izzie thought, as she felt a stabbing pain, spread across her chest with the memories. "He's not a bad person okay, and getting where he is now, despite his past, it's nothing short of a miracle" As she spoke Izzie suddenly realized, just how proud she was of her ex-husband, as a small tear formed in her eye.

This time it was Jackson that sighed, he wasn't quite sure what he had expected to hear, but it wasn't that, as he said "You still have feelings for him don't you?"

Izzie looked at him, thinking how she could just brush it off and lie, but she did really like Jackson and she felt as though she owed it to him to at least try and be honest, so she said "Jackson, you have to understand, that what Alex and I had it's all in the past now. It took me a long time to realize it, but Alex was the complete of love of my life for years, but we were never any good together. We hurt each other way too much. But now, after everything he did for me. I will always care about him" As Izzie actually thought to herself, the real truth was, that every time she thought about Alex, she got an immense feeling of sadness. As she knew, part of her wouldn't just always care about Alex, part of her, would forever be in love with him.

Jackson looked up at the ceiling then, as he said "Let's not talk about him anymore" and they didn't utter another word, before Izzie quickly drifted off to sleep. Leaving Jackson lying with his hands behind his head, contemplating exactly what he was doing back in Seattle again so quickly.

When Sloan had contacted him to persuade him to come back and work with him, Jackson had been seriously tempted and then when Hunt had approached him with a very tempting offer, nothing had ever felt so right in his life. It wasn't that he hadn't been happy in LA, it had been an amazing experience, but as soon as he'd stepped off the plane in Seattle, Jackson felt right back at home. However now, he just wasn't so sure, when everything was so different and he inevitably thought of April again.

Leaving April had been one of the hardest decisions of his life, but the feelings he'd realized he'd developed for her over the years, had scared him and she hadn't exactly gone out of her way to make him feel wanted, after they'd slept together. In fact, she had made everything feel distinctly awkward and uncomfortable. Jackson had therefore, presumed April, must be regretting the decision to lose her virginity to him, the way that she had. He knew she had always wanted it to be with the man of her dreams, the man she would marry. She was probably wishing right now, that she'd lost it to Karev, Jackson thought glumly.

Jackson hated how things had turned out, and more than anything, he missed Aprils' friendship. Her little quirks, how easy it was to wind her up, and simply just the long chats they used to have and how he always seemed to be able to make her smile. He took a deep breath and looked at the clock on his phone, he would have to be up shortly and back at the hospital, and he vowed he would go and find April the first chance he could. He would talk to her properly and he would win her friendship back if nothing else.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7 

April was anxiously staring in to space, sat outside the chief's office. Her hands nervously twisting together, as she went over and over in her head, just exactly what it was, that she was going to say to him. Hearing the onset of footsteps coming towards her, she realised she couldn't do it, she wasn't ready and she abruptly got up and walked away.

As she went to go and get a coffee, furious with herself, April thought about what she would normally do in this situation. She would go and find her best friend and talk it through. Except she had slept with her best friend, in a moment of madness, that had made everything awkward between them, and now they were barely talking. She did have a boyfriend now, but somehow, it just wasn't something, she wanted to talk to or bother Alex with, not when he'd been acting so weirdly with her recently anyway.

But then April told herself, she needed to get a grip and she went off to search the hospital to find Jackson. He was still her friend after all and she wanted to talk to him, he would understand.

He wasn't hard to find, she saw him by the nurse's' station, stood chatting to Sloan. April still felt a rush of adrenaline whenever she saw Jackson, and she hesitated before approaching him, but before she had a chance to change her mind, Jackson spotted her and smiled warmly "April" he said, as Sloan made his excuses and walked off.

"Is everything ok?" Jackson said, his eyes looking at her, with kindness and concern, as he took in the worried expression on her face.

April fiddled with her nails, as she replied meekly. "Yes… no. I was thinking of asking the chief, if I can perform my first solo surgery since he re-hired me. But I'm not sure if I should… I mean what if he says no? What if I'm not up to it? I mean, I failed my boards and…." Her face was flushing and she stopped and took a breath, as she realized she had said all that without stopping, and she wasn't sure if it was making any sense, as Jackson gently grabbed her arm.

"April, breathe. Just slow down and breathe. I think you should definitely do it. You're still a great doctor, despite what happened with your boards." They were both silent for a moment, at the mention of the boards, as they remembered exactly what had happened in San Francisco, causing both their cheeks to turn a light pink.

"You need to get back on your game and fast April. You know what it's like here; you can't be seen as weak. You've been given another chance, so you need to get back in to surgery, and the sooner the better….. If you like, I'll scrub in with you... if I can" he added, with a twinkle in his eye.

April smiled, that was all the encouragement she needed, and as if by chance at that exact moment, she saw Owen Hunt walk straight past her, and she quickly walked up to him, saying "Chief can I have a word?"

* * *

"_I can do this, I can do this"_ April thought to herself, as later that day she was scrubbing in for her first solo surgery since being re-hired, feeling more than a little apprehensive. The chief had been more than understanding, saying that he thought it was a good idea for her to get straight back in to it. He had said that Meredith would be performing a gallbladder removal later that day, so if it was okay with her, April could do it. As long as both Meredith and Bailey scrubbed in too. April had been glad it was Meredith, knowing if it was Cristina, there would have been no chance, that she would have ever given up a surgery. But Meredith was more understanding. April was never sure if Meredith liked her, or just pitied her. But there was something about both Meredith and Cristina's presences, that had always put April on edge, and made her feel inferior. But April tried to put thoughts of that to one side, as she looked to begin the operation.

As she picked up the scalpel April suddenly had a vivid flashback to the exam room back in San Francisco, and the immense surge of nerves and anxiety she had felt when the examiner had looked at her. She then thought of Jackson, and she felt faint, and she thought how Alex had been blowing so hot and cold with her recently too, and just like that she felt like a huge failure again, and the room suddenly spun around. Feeling dizzy, April could hear a familiar female voice in her head, saying "Dr Keper, Dr Kepner" and then everything went black.

"Dr Kepner, Dr Kepner are you okay? Grey take over" It was Bailey's voice April could hear, as she came round, to her complete horror on the _OR floor_, and she saw Bailey looking down at her, and at that exact moment, April felt as though, she just wanted to disappear. She wanted the ground to literally open up and swallow her, thank goodness Jackson wasn't here, she thought, or she would literally die of embarrassment.

"I'm ok, I'm ok" April said hurriedly, sitting up. "I can carry on. I'm ok" and still shaking slightly, she stood up and took a deep breath.

"You will not carry on, you will go and sit down and observe from the gallery. Then, when we are finished here, we will speak." Bailey said slowly, as April admitted defeat and quickly got up and walked out of the OR.

...

As she waited in Bailey's office, April pondered just what her life had become. How had she managed to screw up _again? _She had screwed up more times that she cared to remember recently. She had just fainted in in a routine surgery, that she had performed many times before. She had failed her boards. She had gone against her faith. She was lying to her parents, she was lying to herself. Jackson didn't want her, and she was having doubts, over whether Alex even wanted her anymore. April's confidence was in shatters, and she felt as though, she would never become a board certified surgeon, and then the room started spinning again and she felt herself gasping for breath for the second time that day.

* * *

Elsewhere in the hospital, near the end of the day, Izzie was getting more than a little annoyed, at the fact that all day, everywhere she had gone, everyone had clearly been staring at her. Thinking, it obviously hadn't taken long for the news to fly around the hospital, about her and Jackson. Izzie didn't like being gossiped about, but ever since her first intern year, she had known, that she had been the subject of it. So she had usually just learned to shrug it off. But for some reason, this time, it was starting to really get to her.

She tried her hardest to ignore it, as she made her way round the hospital making her post- op rounds, and she started to have flashbacks, to the hot sex she'd had with Jackson and a small smile crept on to her lips. She really liked him.

The night before in the bar, Izzie had been trying desperately to pretend that Alex wasn't there with his new girlfriend April. She had been purposefully avoiding looking in their direction, and had tried to create the illusion, of having the best time with Jackson. Izzie wasn't sure, if she was trying to make Alex jealous on purpose, or just to prove that another man wanted her, when he so clearly didn't. But after a while, she had actually forgotten the reason she was flirting with Jackson, and began having such a good time, that she hadn't even noticed when Alex had left with April.

But now, back working in the hospital again, with all the memories of the many happy times she had shared with Alex all around her, Izzie got a sharp pang in her chest. The sex with Jackson physically had been great, but he was the first guy, that she'd really got serious with since Alex, and being intimate with another man, had just made it more glaringly obvious to her, how much she still loved Alex. They'd pretty much completely avoided each, other since their one brief awkward conversation in the clinic, and it made Izzie overwhelmingly sad, to think that the once _love of her life,_ was now practically a stranger to her.

"Hey Beautiful" Jackson suddenly said, as he walked up to her. His timing was great, Izzie thought as she smiled at him. He always seemed to creep up on her and cheer her up, just when she was starting to get nostalgic and wallow in painful memories.

"You ok?" Jackson said, noticing the sad vacant look in Izzie's eyes.

"Yes" Izzie replied, smiling wider. "I'm fine, everything's fine."

Jackson grinned then, as he said. "Great, because I was thinking, we should have a housewarming party. What do you reckon?"

Izzie's face instantly, lit up "Ooh a party, great idea" she said, suddenly feeling happy again.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8 

Meredith was rushing through the hospital, trying not to run. She needed to find Alex and fast. As she saw him, in the distance, Meredith slowed down slightly. He was stood chatting to a couple of interns.

"Alex" Meredith said breathlessly, as he stopped what he was doing and looked at her.

"Is everything ok?" he said, his face looking instantly concerned, as he took in Meredith's worried expression.

Meredith nodded. "Yes, but it's April, she's having some sort of panic attack, she needs you. I don't know what to do."

Alex sighed and followed Meredith quickly to the office, where April was sat with Bailey.

"Just slow down and take a deep breath" Bailey said, in a motherly tone, her hand on April's shoulder. She looked up to see Alex and Meredith, and she instantly looked relieved, as she stood up, and said to Alex. "You need to take her home, she's in no fit state to be here at the moment."

Alex rolled his eyes, as he sat down next to April. He didn't need this drama now. He'd had a shitty day, Arizona had freaked out in surgery and he ended up yelling at an intern later due to the pressure. He had then been reprimanded by the chief, as well as having to explain himself to some angry parents. He just wanted a cool beer, followed by some nice, slow, satisfying sex. Instead, he now had to deal with a hysterical April.

April looked at Alex, with a tear stained face, as she said feebly. "Oh Alex" and she hugged him, as Meredith left the room, closing the door, quietly behind her.

"It's okay"Alex said awkwardly, putting his arms around April. Thinking to himself, how the hell, had he managed to get stuck in this situation again? Having to take care of everyone else, when who exactly was there to take care of him?

* * *

Alex was silent in the car, on the way home. Every time April tried to speak, he cut her off, with blunt one word answers, which made her quietly cry even more. "

I'm sorry Alex" April said, as he just stared at the road ahead. April didn't really know what she was sorry about, or quite what she wanted him to do about it. But she just needed him to tell her that it was ok, and that it didn't matter, that she'd freaked out. Instead, he was making her feel as though she'd let him down or done something wrong. April wasn't sure why she'd freaked out, it was just so hard for her, having failed her boards. Her confidence was in shatters and being around Jackson again, had made her feel terrible that she'd lost her virginity in the spur of the moment and he didn't want her anymore.

Thinking of Jackson made April cry even harder, she missed him like crazy, and she couldn't help but compare him to Alex, after Jackson's kind words of encouragement to her earlier that day, before her disastrous surgery. Jackson would never have treated her the way Alex was doing right now, he had always been so warm and open with her and he would be kind and caring and be taking care of her.

Back at their apartment, Alex went straight to the fridge and opened a bottle of beer. April went in to the bathroom and wiped her face. Walking out she looked at Alex with his back to her and she said "Do you want anything to eat?" trying to pull herself together.

"Not really hungry to be honest" Alex replied.

April looked hurt, as she replied "Well, I'm going to go to bed then. You coming?"

Alex was silent, as April walked up to him and wrapped her arms around him and he didn't even attempt to hug her back. Instead he simply said "Look, I'm going to go and watch some TV for a bit. You should go to bed, looks like you need a good night's sleep."

April looked back in to his eyes, as she said "What if I don't want to sleep?"

At this Alex shifted awkwardly, the last thing he wanted to do right now, was have awkward sex with her, and he needed to be on his own to his thoughts. April wasn't giving up though, as she pleaded "Please, just come to bed and hold me."

Alex felt terrible about what he was about to say, but he had no control over the words coming out of his mouth, as he snapped. "Look, I'm not tired okay. So just deal with it" and he stomped off in to the lounge, as April made her way in to the bedroom alone.

Sat alone in front of the TV later on, in the early hours of the morning. Alex felt like a complete ass, he knew he needed to apologize to April; she didn't deserve to be treated the way he had behaved towards her earlier. But he just couldn't deal with her neediness. He was trying hard to be supportive to her, and all her many hang ups, but he had his limits, and the thought of uncomfortable, forced sex with her, was something, he really couldn't handle that night.

Alex's mind started wandering then, and he thought of Izzie, and he instantly started to get hard. He had been watching Izzie from afar all day, whenever he'd had the chance, and it had made him really horny and full of desire to have sex with her again, and he simply had no control over his urges as he fantasized about her. Her body had looked incredible, even in her scrubs, her hot blonde hair had been falling down her back in the golden waves, that he had always so loved, and she had looked happy and carefree. If he was honest, it had made Alex long to be with her again. He was so confused, as he realized that something must be missing with April, and as much as he really cared about April, and he was trying to convince himself, that she really was the one for him now. Her panic attack earlier, had just irritated him and he knew deep down, that if it had been Izzie, he would have behaved completed differently. Why was that? _'Because you still love her you idiot' _a little voice in his head said_._

But he had also seen Izzie, leaving hand in hand with Avery and it had made him insanely jealous, as he was starting to realize that despite their history. Izzie should never be anyone else's but his, and especially not Jackson Avery's.

His head was spinning, and he knew he had to get out of the apartment. There was no way he would sleep, and as he grabbed his coat and phone, there was only really one place he would go to, at this time of night.

* * *

Arriving at the hospital, Alex noticed it was eerily empty, being the graveyard shift and an exceptionally quiet night anyway, and still in his jeans and brown hooded jacket, he made his way across to the NICU, to the incubator of the new born baby girl, he and Izzie had delivered earlier in the week.

As he got closer, his heart suddenly skipped a beat, as he saw that also sat there beside the incubator was Izzie. She looked beautiful, he thought, as her long blonde hair was out of its messy pony tail from earlier and falling over her shoulders and her large wide eyes, stared dreamily at the baby.

Izzie looked up and surprised, as she saw him. "Alex" she said, a look of shock on her pretty face. "What are you doing here?"

Alex sat down next to her "Couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd come and check up on our patient here. What about you? Thought you'd left hours ago?"

Izzie sighed. "I couldn't sleep either and I'm on call anyway, so thought I may as well come in too" She paused, as she felt a rush of butterflies, at being so close to Alex again, with no-one else around, and she suddenly wondered where April was.

"So what did they call her?" Alex said.

"Georgia" Izzie replied.

Alex raised his eyebrows, as Izzie went on to say "Weird isn't it? Almost like a sign from George, to say he's still around and to not forget him"

Alex shrugged in response, as they both sat staring at the baby still, and he eventually said "Yeah maybe" and he then thought of George O'Malley, and how he was from a different era, when Alex had been so happy with Izzie.

They were silent for a few more seconds, before Alex said "You were great in the OR, the other day Iz"

"So were you" Izzie said, her body jolting slightly, as she glanced away from the baby and across at Alex briefly, as she added. "You're this hotshot ped's surgeon now Alex and you were incredible. You've really made the big time,. You know, you're the one to watch now."

Alex blushed, as he took in her words, and smiling, he said playfully "shut up!" As he turned to look at her, causing his arm to lightly brush hers, as they both felt a bolt of electricity running through their systems, causing them to just simply look at each other, for a split second.

Then Izzie said giddily "What? Can't I comment on you, and your bright, bright career." Smiling even wider at him, her eyes bright and glowing, as she added. "I always knew you'd do it Alex."

Alex felt a sudden intense rush of emotion, as she spoke. Izzie had always believed in him, even when everyone else had written him off. "Well you're not doing too badly yourself" he replied. As she simply responded, by giving him one of the smiles that lit up her entire face, a smile that he recognised so well .

"You know what. I am officially not on call anymore" Izzie said, looking at her watch. "You fancy going to catch a late drink?" She fiddled with her hair nervously, anticipatng what he would say.

"I'd love too. Don't think there's a whole lot of point heading home now before I'm due back in here anyway." Alex replied, as Izzie grinned with relief.

* * *

The bar was practically empty, as it was so late, and Alex and Izzie were sat at a table together in the corner. They chatted for a bit, about work stuff, their job offers and Izzie's recovery from cancer and Alex felt great to finally be having a proper conversation with Izzie. It was the most happy and relaxed he'd felt, since Izzie had returned, and he had been in such a head spin.

As they laughed together and Alex filled her in on what had been happening in her absence around the hospital, Izzie said "I'm really glad things have worked out for you Alex" and he looked away. To hear her say that was immensely painful, it was true that he had found a new wave of confidence. He was a great surgeon, with bright prospects and he was in a new relationship. But he'd always thought and planned, that he would be doing all this, with Izzie by his side.

Izzie carried on talking, oblivious to Alex's thoughts, as she said "I mean, I'm not saying it doesn't hurt seeing that you've moved on….." and her voice shook slightly with emotion, as she stopped suddenly and stared at her drink, she wasn't quite sure what she was saying, or what she wanted Alex to say in response.

Alex gently took her hand then, as he softly said "Izzie, you left me."

Izzie nodded; thinking how seeing him again, was making her think that leaving him, was probably one of the biggest mistakes of her life.

"Iz you're doing ok without me too" Alex said kindly, picking up on her sad vibes.

"Yeah maybe" Izzie replied. She wanted to tell him how sorry she was for leaving, but it just felt like it was too late, that it was a conversation, they should have had years ago.

"It's great you can still have kids"Alex went on to say, changing the subject quickly.

"Yeah" Izzie replied, her face glowing suddenly. "I mean, it won't be easy, but there is still a chance." She then heard her phone buzz in her purse and quickly dug it out, it was a text from Jackson, wondering where she was and she was snapped back in to reality, as she thought about her fresh start with Jackson now.

"We should get going" Alex said, as he watched her and he felt a sharp pang of emotion, as he knew it must be Avery texting her, and it made him remember that they were both with other people now.

Standing up to walk out, Izzie quickly grinned and said "Oh, we're having a housewarming party, and it's going to be great, you will come won't you?"

Alex looked at her for a moment, unsure of exactly what to say, she'd taken him by complete surprise and he eventually said "Sure, I'd love too….. if I'm not working."

"Great" Izzie said, grinning even wider back at him.

As they stood outside the bar, their bodies hovering next to each other, the tension was unbearable, as they were both desperate to get closer to each other. For their lips to touch and their bodies to lock together again. Alex had to hold back, with everything he had in him. As he sensed, that just one signal from Izzie, would be all it would take for him to lose control. At that moment, he wanted her more than he'd ever wanted anything in his life, but he also knew it wasn't right. Not now.

Izzie looked at Alex , knowing if he moved just that little bit closer, she wouldn't be able to resist. She could smell his aftershave and her body was becoming more and more turned on, as he quickly looked away from her and said. "I'd better make tracks. Robbins can be a little scary when I'm late. It was great to talk Iz" and without so much as a quick kiss on the cheek he was gone. Leaving Izzie, staring longingly after him.

…..


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N ****Thanks for all the interest in my story so far. It's great to hear people are liking it! (I do have a clear plan where it's going, but it won't be as straightforward as it seems, as I really want to explore the different sides of the characters that the different relationships bring out in them! I am also open to tweaking it slightly, so please keep telling me what you think.)**

CHAPTER 9 

"So tell me" Sloan said, eagerly cracking open another bottle of beer and grinning at Avery. "Is Stevens as good in bed as she looks?"

Jackson felt his cheeks burn slightly as he chuckled, shook his head and looked away and he said. "Well, let's just say I don't have any complaints" He then glanced over to the corner of his and Izzie's open plan kitchen where their party was fully in swing, to see her stood deep in a conversation with Meredith and Cristina. She was wearing tight blue jeans, a low cut white top and killer heels and she was looking _hot_ he thought, as she suddenly burst in to a loud infectious, ripple of laugher at something Cristina had said, flinging her shiny blond hair back over her smooth tanned shoulders. In the short time he had been with Izzie, it had awakened something inside him. It had made him remember what it was like to have fun again and great sex.

Sloan turned his head to talk to Derek Shepherd, who had walked over to join them and Jackson sipped his beer, continuing to contently watch Izzie with Meredith and Cristina. They were caught up in their own little world. He hadn't seen Cristina connect like that with anyone, well apart from Meredith. Izzie had fitted right back in to their little inner circle again straight away. It was just like she'd never been away. He knew they shared a special connection; they'd started their terrifying first intern year together and no matter what had happened since then, that would bond them for life.

Jackson suddenly found thoughts of his own first intern year creeping in to his head, instantly saddening him. He couldn't help but remember the good friends he had lost since then. The friends that should still be there partying with them now. He then thought of April, he hadn't really known her very well before the shootings, he had just thought she was quiet and studious and a little shy, but for some reason he had always felt strangely protective over her, especially when the other Mercy West guys had been making fun of her. But since they had lost their best friends they had become closer and at times he felt as though she was the only person that really _got_ him. They had formed a solid unbreakable friendship; or at least he had thought it was unbreakable, now he wasn't so sure after she'd lost her virginity to him earlier in the year and they'd avoided the subject ever since. One thing he was sure of though, he missed her like_ crazy_.

Jackson wondered if April would show up tonight, he had his doubts. Despite his best efforts to win her friendship back, she had pretty much been avoiding him for days, scurrying off in the other direction whenever he had so much as looked at her. He knew she had frozen and passed out in a surgery and he was concerned and more than anything he wanted to be there for her. He also knew that she was with Karev now and he wondered if she was really happy and whether she had thought about and missed him as much as he had missed her.

He scoured the packed room for her, there was the familiar buzz of chatter and laughter and loud music blaring as he gazed around, and then he spotted her. She was walking in, tentatively taking her coat off and glancing around, with that serious, concerned look on her face, the one that she always had when she felt unsure of something and he felt the urge to go and throw his arms around her. Then he suddenly frowned, as he saw Karev walking in behind her. Jackson certainly wouldn't have been upset if that asshole had stayed away he thought. If they had been friends once, they certainly weren't now, work colleagues that tolerated each, would be pushing it now even.

Jackson grimaced even more, thinking that there was something about April being with Karev that just made his blood run cold. The thought of that scumbag being with her, comforting her, touching her, she was way too good for him, she was special. He felt a flutter in his stomach and instantly felt slightly taken aback, at the huge surge of emotion that just the sheer sight of April had stirred in him and he turned back to find Izzie.

* * *

April wasn't sure why she had been so worried about coming to the party, it was just a group of her friends and colleagues after all, and she had been to many a party like this before. But she knew tonight would be different; this was Jackson and Izze's party_. Jackson and Izzie!_

She gulped as she took a large swing of her glass of wine, remembering that she was with Alex now and maybe tonight would be a chance for them to all show that they'd put the past behind them. Alex had been surprisingly up for coming tonight, she had half expected him to be weird about it. He had been weird about so many other things recently, working exceptionally long hours, even by his standards, and constantly making excuses up not to meet her or any of their other friends for lunch or even any after work drinks. They hadn't even set foot in Joes bar for days. She had tried desperately not to think that it had anything to do with Izzie being back and had put it down to his fierce determination to be on top of his game. She knew he was stepping up to support Robbins after she'd had more than one wobble since returning to work. April just found it frustrating that even though they had been dating for months, sometimes she felt as though she had virtually no idea who Alex really was. He was so distant, defensive and closed all the time. But as she reached for his hand and he gave it a protective squeeze, she suddenly felt safe again and she knew she would just have to be patient with him, being in a relationship like this was new ground for her and she was still learning.

...

Quickly finishing the remainder of her drink, April glanced across the large open plan room and in to the kitchen, where she was met with the sickening sight of Jackson with Izzie. Jackson was looking superhot in a light green, fitted t-shirt, displaying his muscular, toned, upper body and he was leaning in to kiss Izzie's neck, as she flung her arm around him giggling. Izzie looked incredible April thought. She was so tall, with perfect boobs and all that long blonde hair. Looking at her outfit, April thought how much she liked it and how it set Izzie's curvy figure off perfectly, although she knew she would never have the guts to wear something like that herself. As April suddenly felt self-conscious, folding her arms across dress she had chosen to wear. She turned to say something to Alex, feeling her eyes stinging slightly from the sight of Jackson and Izzie. But as she looked at Alex it was obvious that he had noticed them too, as his dark eyes flashed hurt and anger and April suddenly felt insecure again, as she realised that this was the most emotion Alex had displayed for days.

* * *

"Oh get a room" Cristina said scowling, as Avery bounded over to where she was stood with Meredith and Izzie, and he clumsily pulled Izzie's hair back to lean in and kiss her, running his hands up and down her upper body in the process. Izzie flung her arm affectionately around him back and giggled.

"Leave them alone, they're still in their honeymoon period" Meredith said wistfully, as both her and Cristina were suddenly silent for a moment remembering just what it was like to 'still be' in the honeymoon period.' Meredith sighed deep in her own thoughts, as she looked over at her old friend. She had loved having Izzie back, she was like a breath of fresh air after all the recent tragic events. But her being with Jackson, was just plain weird, and however hard she tried, Meredith just couldn't get used to it. She couldn't deny that they looked great together, and she couldn't work out if it was just nostalgia or simply a deep rooted desire for her closest friends to find the happiness she had, but she knew in her heart that Izzie should be with Alex. Meredith saw something in Alex that not many other people did and she knew that there would only ever be one woman that could ever make him really happy. _Izzie!_ Meredith then glanced over to see Mark Sloan in the corner, a truly broken man, and despite the super confident, arrogant act he insisted on putting on, he would never recover from his heart break and Meredith knew that she couldn't let Alex end up like that.

* * *

Izzie playfully pushed Jackson away and he turned back to talk to Sloan. As much as she enjoyed being with him, she was enjoying chatting to Meredith and Cristina more at that point in time.

Cristina had been cold and a little bitchy towards Izzie, in the first few days that she had been back. Cristina didn't let people in easily and Izzie leaving had hurt her badly. It hadn't been until she had gone that Cristina had realized just how much she actually loved and missed Izzie. There weren't many people like Izzie around; honest, passionate and gutsy and as it turned out now, also one hell of a surgeon. Despite their very obvious differences Cristina did see a little of herself in Izzie sometimes, they were both super smart, no–nonsense and determined to succeed. That was before Izzie had a whole pile of crap landed on her plate, she'd had an exceptionally rough time even by Seattle Grace's standards Cristina thought.

"So you didn't waste any time with Avery then. I mean you guys are setting up house already?" Cristina said looking at Izzie and raising her eyebrows.

Izzie blushed "Yeah I kind of didn't intend things to happen like this" she said, with slight awkwardness in her voice as Cristina eyed her suspiciously and Izzie went on to say "But he's great isn't he? I mean at first I swore we would only be friends, but he's just a dream and really _hot. _I mean I hear you even had a little thing with him once? That is before you got back with the pig killer."

Cristina rolled her eyes and said "Oh that, that was nothing…. And are we still calling my husband that?" As she laughed, realixing how much she had missed Izzie's sense of humour and looking at her she said "You know, I'll kill you if you tell anyone this, but I've really missed you Izzie and it's great to have you back."

Izzie smiled and said "thanks." Before adding more sombrely "I don't think everyone is so pleased to have me back though" Meredith instantly read her mind as she said kindly "He is Iz, he just doesn't realize it yet" and without saying a word all three of them knew exactly who she was talking about.

Izzie glanced over at the clock on the wall, she was painfully aware that there had been no sign of Alex yet. He would surely be here by now, if he was coming she thought, as through her laughter she remembred the umcomfortable look on his face when she had asked him to be here. She felt an overwhelming sense of disappointment. She wasn't even sure why she was so bothered any more, but she was. She knew she had to except that Alex was with someone else now. But after that recent night, when it had only been the two of them and they had talked like they used to, everything had just felt so right again. But Izzie hadn't spoken to him since, she had barely even so much as set eyes on him around the hospital and she knew she had to move on

* * *

April was stood awkwardly on her own. Alex had mumbled something about going to get another drink and had disappeared and she was just starting to wonder where he was, when she looked over and in to the kitchen again to see that Izzie wasn't with Jackson anymore, she was now stood with Meredith and Cristina laughing and chatting away. She felt envious. Meredith and Cristina never included her like that, they just tolerated her. They may have just been starting to accept her, when she had to go and fail her boards, causing her to become the outcast again, just boring, mousey April. No wonder Alex had just disappeared and Meredith and Cristina didn't want to be friends with her and month's earlier Jackson had run off down to LA and in to the arms of Izzie Stevens. She downed the rest of her wine, thinking she would prove them all wrong. She wasn't that girl anymore, she wasn't weak, she wasn't even a virgin anymore.

April looked at Cristina, dancing and swaying her drink to the music. April wasn't much of a drinker, she didn't really like the taste, or the effect it had on her. She never really saw what the point of it was. Growing up, she'd always been the sober one at parties, watching everyone else making a fool out of themselves and making sure all her girlfriends got home ok. All her life, she'd been seen as the sensible, reliable one and that reputation seemed to have followed her to Seattle too. Except, maybe she didn't want to be that girl anymore, maybe tonight she just wanted to get wasted. She wanted to drink and dance and forget about all the times she had screwed up recently.

Finding the drinks table, April poured herself a vodka shot, then another. She winced at the foul taste and then she suddenly felt a warmth spreading up her arms and in to her chest. Her head was buzzing slightly, from the effects of the large glass of wine she'd had already and she suddenly felt more relaxed as she poured another glass of wine and set off to find Alex.

**a/n - This chapter is just setting the scene, I hope you like it, the next one will get juicer I promise!**


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10

"Turn it up" Cristina said loudly, as she waved her drink and danced in the middle of the room, swaying her hair in time to the music.

Izzie looked on at her in amusement, as she turned her big, wide, eyes to gaze around the room. It was packed with people talking, laughing and having a great time. But Izzie slowly realized, that she hardly recognised anyone in there, as she searched for a familiar face. Jackson was deep in conversation with Sloan, Meredith was proudly showing Callie and Arizona pictures of Zola on her phone, photos that Izzie must have seen about ten times already. Derek Shepherd was locked in a debate with Owen Hunt, about something that looked serious, April Kepner was stood on her own but she was the last person Izzie really wanted to get in to a conversation with anyway, and Cristina was well, doing what she always did at parties, letting her hair down in style.

Even though it was her apartment, Izzie started to feel awkward and almost as though she didn't really belong there. She made her way in to the kitchen and poured herself another vodka and cranberry juice. Tossing her long, blonde, hair behind her, she gathered up, some empty bottles and plastic cups and made her way out the front door to dump them in the hallway outside the apartment, thinking that Jackson could deal with them in the morning.

Taking a deep breath she suddenly realized how nice it was, to be out of the crammed, noisy apartment and she found herself slowly sitting down with her back to the wall, drawing her knees up to her chest, and she sipped her drink and pondered just what it was that she was doing back in Seattle.

* * *

Alex walked back over to stand next to April, with another beer in his hand as they both watched Cristina dancing, as she was joined by Callie and Arizona too. April sipped her wine and started shaking her hair to the music; her head was starting to feel fuzzy from the effects of all the alcohol she had been downing. Alex was just stood beside her, not saying a word and she wondered whether it had been a mistake for them to come to the party.

Trying to lighten the mood, she turned and reached up to kiss him. He kissed her back quickly, before abruptly turning away and saying." I'll be back in a minute" April gave him a look of confusion and slight rejection, as he wandered away from her for the second time that night, and she tried to tell herself that he must just be going to the bathroom _again._

* * *

Alex's head was spinning and he knew had to get out of the apartment. He was so confused. He'd been confused for days. As hard as he'd tried, he just couldn't get Izzie out of his head. Particularly after that recent night when they'd met by chance in the middle of the night at the hospital and ended up going for a drink together. It had been just like the old days. The days before she'd been sick, and before they'd got married and before everything had gone so wrong.

He'd thrown himself in to work ever since that night and it hadn't exactly been intentional, but he'd barely seen Izzie again. Which given the effect she had on him was probably for the best he'd thought. As he was also trying to make a go of things with April. Alex had genuinely wanted to come to Izzie's party tonight, telling himself that it was to prove that he'd moved on and that he could also be happy for her that she had too. But if he was completely honest, it was just because he was desperate to see her again.

The only thing he'd seen however, when he'd arrived at the party earlier that evening, was the sight of Izzie with Avery. He was fairly certain she hadn't even noticed he was there and it had been almost too much for him to bear.

Alex knew that at the moment he wasn't being fair to April, he did really like her and before Izzie had returned he had been _'sort'_ of happy. But recently April had just started to irritate him and the more he withdrew from her, the clingier she seemed to get and he knew he just needed some time out, so he headed straight for the front door, without giving much thought to where he was actually going.

…..

As he stepped outside the door to the apartment Alex immediately saw Izzie. She was sat on her own, with her back up against the wall, wearing tight jeans and a white top, and she was as usual, perfectly made up, with her thick blonde hair falling softly around her face. She looked a million miles away he thought, as he gently said "Iz…..Iz are you ok?"

Hearing Alex's voice, Izzie was quickly snapped away from her deep thoughts and she suddenly looked up at him, giving him a surprised smiled and said "Alex hey. I didn't think you were coming."

"Yeah. sorry we got held up…. What are you doing out here? Thought you were shacking up with Avery, and isn't this meant to be your big welcome back to Seattle party?"

Izzie laughed softly and replied "Yeah, I guess it is….. But I just needed a moment, you know?"

Alex slowly sat down next to her, leaning his back up against the wall too, as he sighed and said "Yeah, me too."

They were both silent for a minute, before she said dreamily. "How can you feel so completely alone when you're right in the middle of a crowded room?"

Alex looked at her, his eyes full of concern and kindness as he said "Iz, you're not alone"

She sipped her drink, as she said thoughtfully "Yeah I know."

They were silent again for a few seconds, as Izzie changed the subject and said "April seems really nice."

Alex looked down at the bottle of beer in his hand, as he simply said "Yeah" Thinking how April was '_nice' _and how up until a few weeks ago, he'd honestly thought he'd wanted nice. That was until Izzie had come back, changing everything.

Izzie swallowed before saying, "I really am glad you're happy now Alex, because honestly you deserve it." Despite how much she knew still loved him, Izzie really did mean those words. Alex did deserve some happiness. She was the only person that really knew the true extent of the misery he had grown up in, she had made him let her in, and made him trust her.

Alex just stared at her. He wanted to tell her, that he wasn't happy, not really, and that he probably never would be unless they were together again. He knew it was too late, he had let her go. She had been sick and she had lost everything, so she had run and when she had come back to him, he had just told her he deserved better and to leave and not come back again. He had screwed up!

At the time Alex had thought he was doing the right thing, but he hadn't anticipated, just how much it would still hurt years later. He couldn't bring himself to tell Izzie any of that though, so all he could think to say in response was "Thanks".

Still staring in to space, Izzie said "So you think she's the one? Marriage, Kids? We're at that age now right?"

Alex exhaled and staring back in to space again too, said bluntly "I don't know."

Izzie looked slightly disappointed, she wasn't sure if that was really what she had wanted to hear, as Alex turned his head back to look at her and noticing her eyes brimming on the verge of tears, he said gently "Izzie"

"I'm sorry" she said. "It's just being back here, when everything's so different. I didn't realize how hard it would be. Meredith and Cristina have grown up and got married, and Meredith's even a mother now too, and George isn't here…and we're…..we're not together anymore and you've….." she paused "You've moved on."

Alex looked at the pain on her beautiful face and said slowly "April, she's great, she's the kind of girl that you're supposed to settle down and marry. But you know what? Despite how great she is, she's not and she never will be _you Iz."_

Neither of them could control what happened next, as Alex pulled Izzie's face to his and he kissed her frenziedly over and over again, running his hands through her hair and breathing in her amazing scent. He had dreamt of doing this again for years and despite all the reasons they shouldn't be doing it, once they had started, they just couldn't stop themselves. The depth and intensity of their feelings for each other had never gone away, and they both felt the old overwhelming surge of chemistry spread accross them once again.

They somehow managed to stand up and Alex pushed her against the wall, as she felt the full effect of his instant arousal pressing in to her, and as their lips broke apart, she let out a small moan off pleasure.

"I have missed you so fucking much" he whispered breathlessly in her ear, as she just moaned his name, and she felt his fingers fumbling with the top of her jeans, as he whispered "I want you so much" and they kissed again, getting more and carried away. Izzie parted her legs slightly, allowing Alex to push his body in even closer to hers, as she ran her hands underneath his shirt feeling his prefect smooth skin.

It was just like they were second year interns again they both thought, except Izzie suddenly remembered that they weren't interns anymore, they'd grown up and her conscience suddenly kicked in and she abruptly pushed him away, saying breathlessly "We can't do this. We can't do this Alex. I'm sorry, but this just isn't right. I can't be that girl again, the selfish girl that wants what she can't have and wrecks other people lives in the process. I've changed and I swore I would never make the same mistakes again"

"Izzie" Alex just said desperately.

She ignored him saying "I won't be responsible for hurting anyone else Alex."

Again Alex just said "Iz" his eyes pleading with her.

Izzie looked at him saying "I'm not a home wrecker Alex" Alex had made his decision to be with April and Izzie had to accept that. April was a sweet girl and she didn't deserve this. Izzie then thought about Jackson, sexy, handsome, kind, Jackson and she knew she couldn't hurt him either.

Alex went to protest some more, but he wasn't quite sure what to say, he knew at that moment in time he wanted to be with Izzie more than anything, but he also knew he was with April.

But before he had a chance to say anything else, they both heard the front door open and instantly sprung further apart, as they saw Cristina walk outside with her phone in her hand. She eyed them suspiciously saying "What are you two up to?"As she looked at their ruffled clothes and hair and she thought, how it was none of her business, but if they wanted to be together, they should just quit stalling and get on with it.

"Just getting some fresh air" Izzie said quickly to her.

"Okay then" Cristina said, raising her eyebrows and shrugging, as she stepped further away and putting her phone to her ear, she added "Oh Alex, April's been looking for you" Before she walked off and Izzie scurried back in to the apartment.

Alex sighed, ran his hands through his hair and hit the wall with his fist.

...


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11

Stood outside the bathroom, April was rapidly turning a light shade of pale green, as she felt the room spinning slightly and she urgently needed to pee. She banged nosily on the door, thinking that whoever was in there better hurry up.

"Okay, Okay" Cristina said as she opened the door, and a look of surprise immediately crossed her face as she took in the strange sight of April stood in front of her with large spaced out eyes, a peaky complexion and slightly crazy hair, thinking it was a complete contrast to how she normally looked so neat and well presented all the time. Then Cristina suddenly remembered, the slightly off the wall dancing April had been doing moments earlier and she said "Are you ok?" As April ignored her and barged straight past her and in to the vacant bathroom.

As soon as she'd splashed some water on her face, combed her hair and reapplied her eyeliner and lip gloss, April left the bathroom. Straight away making her way accross the room to get herself another drink. She'd already crossed the point of no return; she wasn't used to drinking a lot and she knew she would feel dreadful in the morning, but right now she didn't care. She looked over to see Cristina pouring a tequila and she held her plastic cup up to her as she said "_yes please_."

Cristina shook her head, as she poured the strong alcoholic liquid in to April's cup, still wondering exactly what the hell was going on with her? As she said "Where's Alex?" looking on as April downed the tequila in one.

April wiped her mouth and said "Honestly I have no idea" adding "To be honest I have no idea where he is the majority of the time." She paused, before she said "Can I ask you something? Is this what it's supposed to be like, being with someone?"

She leaned in even closer to Cristina and breathing strong alcohol fumes at her, and slurring her words she said "I just don't think I'm doing it right…. You know in bed"

Cristina held her hands up. "Whoa! that there is personal stuff and I don't do personal stuff. Maybe you should find….." she stopped she was about to say Jackson, but thought better of it given the current circumstances. So instead she just turned to make a sharp exist as she said "If I see Alex I'll tell him to come and find you."

April suddenly felt very dizzy and she leaned against the wall, taking a deep breath.

From the other side of the room, Jackson spotted April on her own leaning against the wall. He had been eagerly stealing small glances at her all evening and seeing her now, looking pale and fragile and alone he rushed over to her.

...

"Oh no, not again" April thought as she felt her legs about to give way beneath her. It was one thing fainting in an OR in front of a handful of people at work due to nerves. It was another altogether to pass out from too much alcohol in front of all of her work colleagues. That was just humiliating, she thought. Just as, at that exact moment, she stumbled forward straight in to the strong oncoming arms of Jackson, and she looked up at his sparkling blue eyes as he said "Hey easy. Are you ok?"

April quickly stood up again and smoothed her hair down saying "Yes I'm fine."

Jackson grabbed her arm to steady her further and said "Well no offence April, but you don't look fine"

April's cheeks flushed crimson, as she thought why was it, that the only form of contact she seemed to have with Jackson these days had to be when she was behaving like a complete loser. "I think I need to sit down" she said, suddenly feeling very dizzy again.

Jackson looked around the crowded room, there didn't appear to be a quiet corner anywhere for him to take her to, but they did happen to be just outside his bedroom door. "Here follow me" he said as he opened the door and led April in and they sat down on his bed.

"So where's Alex?" he said to her.

She sighed heavily "I don't know where Alex is and everyone keeps asking me that. I mean what kind of a loser doesn't even know where their own boyfriend is!"

Jackson stared at her intently, as he said. "April, you're not a loser, and I know it's none of my business, but I really don't get_ what_ you see in that scumbag Karev anyway"

April turned to him, with a slight look of annoyance and said "You don't know him."

Jackson looked at her with genuine concern, as he said "Yes I do, and so do you. You know what he's like, you've seen his behaviour for yourself and you've heard the rumours too, he's a…." He stopped, he wanted to say that despite being a great surgeon, Alex was a rude, arrogant, womanizing asshole, who had slept with pretty much any female that would have him, treated them like dirt, passed around STD's and then cheated on his wife. But somehow saying that to April, just didn't seem like the right thing to do.

"Rumours are just rumours Jackson" April snapped back. "He's a good guy. He was there for me when I needed him" Jackson winced, knowing only too well what she was referring to, _the time when he had left._ "I know he's not perfect" she continued "but I want to help him."

"Some people are beyond help" Jackson said to her gently.

April gave him a confused look. "Why do you even care so much anyway?" she said, and for a moment she thought she could see a vague glimmer of what could only be described as jealousy flashing in his bright blue eyes.

He sighed "Because I care about you April, and I don't want to see you get hurt. You're too good for Karev. I just wish you could see that"

April's face dropped, that wasn't exactly what she had wanted to hear, that he cared about her, probably because she was such a screw up, who couldn't look out for herself, just weak, pathetic, April. But then what did she expect? For him to turn around and confess his undying love for her. That was never going to happen. After he'd slept with her that one time, he couldn't get away from her fast enough she remembered painfully.

"Well, you've got nothing to worry about, because I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to be with me anymore anyway….I think he's still in love with Izzie" she said, as she started to cry, saying it out loud had made it painfully real.

Jackson wasn't particularly surprised to hear that Karev was probably still in love with his ex-wife, the woman that weirdly enough, he'd actually just started a thing with too. That would explain a lot he thought, as he turned back to April and through her tears she said "But Izzie's with…..Izzie's with you now…..and she's prettier than me and….." she broke off as she continued to cry.

"What" he said rubbing her arm. "Izzie, she's a great looking girl, but in a really obvious kind of way. You… you're truly beautiful April, inside and out and I wish you could see that. You are so kind and loyal, and smart and fun to be around. You're one in a million April and Karev, he's one lucky guy to have you." At hearing this April smiled through her tears, before she cried even harder, thinking why did he always have to be so dam nice and say the exact right thing. It made it so hard for her to be mad at him.

Jackson moved closer to her and took her hand as he said "I hate that things have been so weird between us since I've got back. I know you regret what happened… and that it wasn't special enough and….."

April suddenly looked directly at him, interrupting him and said. "What…. You think I regret what happened in San Francisco? Jackson I never for one second regretted what happened between us. Honestly it couldn't have been more special and you know what, my first time it being with you . It made me realize just why I had waited all that time to lose my virginity" She was taken aback at how upfront she was being and thought that it was partly the alcohol causing her to be so brutally honest and unable to control her emotions, but it was also just the calming, incredible presence and effect that Jackson had on her, that made her open up like this.

Jackson felt his heart breaking slightly, as he looked at her tear stained face, he knew it was mainly the alcohol that was causing the emotional outburst, and that she probably wouldn't even remember a lot of their conversation in the morning, but she looked so sad. He also knew he couldn't blame Karev for everything, he was also partly responsible too. So he put his strong arms around her and she sobbed in to his t-shirt.

Wrapped up in his muscular body, April was instantly hit with Jackson's manly aftershave, causing vivid flashbacks to that heavenly night in San Francisco. She could feel his heart beating next to her face and she felt a damp wet patch spreading across his t-shirt from her tears

He stroked her hair, as her breathing slowly started to ease slightly and he sensed she had stopped crying against him. As he held her in his arms again it felt incredible, and unable to stop himself he gently pushed her back on to the bed and ran his hand up and down her cheek, instantly cooling her hot, tear drenched, skin with his cool fingers. She looked up in to his eyes, as they both knew that what they were doing was wrong, even though it felt so right.

He leaned over her and went to meet her lips with his, just as at that exact moment April felt an intense wave of nausea hit her "Ugh ugh... I think I'm going to be…." She exclaimed. as she rushed out of the room and he heard the bathroom door slam shut.

Jackson sighed, and let his face flop down on to the pillow. _What was he doing_? he thought. As he got a sharp waft of Izzie's perfume coming up from the pillow and he suddenly remembered _Izzie! _He was trying to make a go of things with her now, and he suddenly wondered where she had been all night? As he realized he had hardy seen her!


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

_Was it real? Did it really happen?_ _Did Jackson really kiss me? _Half asleep, April was dreamily going over and over the events of the night before in her head

She half opened her eyes and found herself lying back on the big comfortable bed again. Her head sinking back in to the soft white pillow and she remembered the intense, loving gaze, in his piercing blue eyes and the heavenly feel of his soft fingers brushing her face and she smiled to herself as she sensed a male presence beside her. Instantly causing flashbacks to his manly body holding her, and she prised her sleepy eyes open a little further to see his familiar cropped dark hair next to her.

She hadn't been dreaming, she thought, as she allowed herself to drift back in to the blissful state of unconsciousness she had stirred from. Still a little unsure whether she was actually dreaming or not, as she heard his voice softly saying her name "April, April…" and she felt his hands on her again gently shaking her.

But why did he keep saying her name? and why was he shaking her? she thought, as he continued to say "April, April , are you ok?….." Of course she was ok she thought, she was more than ok, after what had happened between them the night before, and she turned to fully open her eyes to look across at Jackson…. except it wasn't Jackson, it was …_Alex!_

Reality kicked in, and she quickly realized that it was the next day and she was back in her and Alex's apartment and suddenly a searing, stabbing pain spread across her head and she felt sick again. As she suddenly remembered '_the humiliation_' she had thrown up in Jackson's bathroom.

But they had been on the bed together, she was sure of that, and they had spoken about _that_ night in San Francisco. As bit by bit it came back to her, he hadn't regretted what had happened and he had missed her. He'd told her she was beautiful, she remembered that clearly. But then everything was very hazy. Why was everything so fuzzy still? What had happened between them after that, did they…..? Where had Alex been? She felt her stomach churn with anxiety.

She just wanted to curl up and hide under the duvet as she said sheepishly "Alex. What time is it?"

He smiled at her kindly and handed her a glass of water and two paracetamol and said "here take these." She moved towards him, and grabbed her head saying "Ouch" as the sharp pain hit her further, and she made a face as she swallowed the pills.

"It's past midday" Alex said. "I didn't want to wake you. I thought you needed the rest"

She sat up further and pulled the covers around her as she realized she was just wearing her underwear, how had that happened?

A look of embarrassment crossed her face as she said "I'm sorry Alex. What… what happened? I feel like such an idiot."

He laughed slightly and said "Relax, you're not an idiot. You had a good time that's all, it was good to see you letting off some steam and enjoying yourself. Nothing to be ashamed of, everyone gets wasted now and again."

_Not me_ April thought to herself as she whined. "Oh I don't even remember getting home Alex."

"Bailey found you on the bathroom floor, so we got you back in a cab," he said.

As April moaned again, before saying "Oh no, not Bailey again. She's going to think I'm such a mess. She'll probably tell the chief to fire me all over again. Then I'll be jobless, and then you'll….."

She was talking faster and faster and Alex interrupted her, saying "Honestly babe, chill. Bailey, she loves all that mother hen stuf. She was fine. She's used to it. Believe me, she's dealt with far worse"

April winced then, as she said "Did we?..."

Alex laughed again. "Nah, you kind of passed out as soon as we got back."

April shook her head. "I'm so sorry Alex"

He took her hand and said "April, please stop saying you're sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for. It's not a big deal"

April suddenly felt an immense feeling of guilt, that he was being so nice about it. It reminded her that underneath the bad ass exterior he portrayed, he really did have the biggest heart. But if only he really knew the truth, she thought remorsefully. The truth being, that she did have something to be sorry about, probably very sorry about. If she could only piece together precisely what had happened on Jackson's bed, because as much as she tried, she just couldn't remember!

She ran her hand through her hair, feeling a big mess of tangles, as Alex said to her "Okay, so here's the plan, you need to get up and in the shower and then I am taking you out for lunch."

"What you're not working, you're always working?" She said, as a look of surprise crossed her face and she thought about how he normally worked every waking hour he could and even went in willingly on his days off. She honestly couldn't remember the last time they had spent any time together.

"Nah day off" he just said dismissively. As he turned to get up and walk out of the room.

"Alex" April said just before he reached the door, causing him to turn back and look at her worried face. The soft smudges of the remainder of her eyeliner and mascara showing visibly in the corners of her anxious bloodshot eyes.

"What?" he said.

She swallowed and replied "You don't have to do this ok. I know I'm a complete mess at the moment, what with screwing up at work and last night…. and" she paused "and I know you're not happy … You haven't been happy since she…since Izzie came back, and I know I'm not her….. You don't have to say anything, because I know you still love her and…." She stopped, realizing she probably wasn't making much sense as she looked down at her hands.

Alex walked back up to her and sat down on the bed next to her and taking her hand in his again he said. "I know I've been an ass recently, and I shouldn't have taken it out on you, because you of all people don't deserve that. The truth is, Izzie being back here, it has screwed with my head…." he exhaled slowly, "It's brought some stuff up for me ok, some stuff I'd thought I'd put to bed a long time ago. But now I've finally realized that her being back here, it's nothing but closure for me. Yes, I will always care about her; I'm not going to lie. Before I met her, I really wasn't a good person believe me, and she made me good, and it's because of her that I changed for the better. But I'm with you now, and don't you ever compare yourself to her. Because honestly April, you're unique and amazing and I realize now that you're the girl I want my future to be with"

April was speechless and completely taken aback as she just looked at him. That was the most open and honest he'd ever been with her and she was gobsmacked. But all she could really think about was how ironic it was, that he'd said all the things that she'd longed to hear for weeks, right after what had happened the night before with Jackson.

Her stomach was churning violently, and she suddenly felt like a terrible person again, she'd gone against all the things she'd believed in her whole life. Whatever Alex had done, however he'd behaved, now she'd probably done far worse. And she was even such a slutty person that she couldn't remember just what it was that she had done, she thought guiltily. As she had a flash back to Jackson again, to his handsome face and the way she had felt when he had held her and she suddenly felt like she was going to be sick all over again.

* * *

Izzie was sat with her knees drawn up to her chest on the wide cream sofa, in the front room of her and Jackson's apartment. She had finished tidying after the party and she was staring hazily at the glass table in front of her, and the large colourful, dried flowers she had placed at the centre of it. She was wondering just what the night before between her and Alex had really meant.

Since she had been back in Seattle, he had gone out of his way to avoid her and create the impression that he had moved on. But after what he'd said to her the night before, she was confused. _Did he still love her?_ Would she be crazy to even contemplate that idea, after their history?

She then suddenly heard the familiar sound of the shower being switched on and she thought of Jackson. Things had been a little weird between them that morning. She had presumed that they were both tired, but normally he couldn't keep his hands off her, but all morning he'd been slightly aloof. She wondered if he suspected anything and she felt a wave of guilt. Izzie had only kissed Alex, but it had been '_one hell of a kiss'_. It was a kiss that most people would be be lucky enough to experience only once in their life time. It had completely blown her away. It had taken her right back to her first kiss with Alex in Joes, when she had first fallen in love with him. She knew he had felt it too, she had seen it in his eyes and despite the fact that he had left with that mousey April, at the end of the night, she felt sure that it must have been on his mind ever since. Because it had certainly been on hers. Despite how hard she was trying to be happy with Jackson.

Izzie got up to make some coffee, still deep in thought. When she heard her phone vibrate noisily on the table. She rushed over to it. It was Alex!

She put it to her ear eagerly, her hands shaking slightly; she was more than aware that Jackson could emerge from the bathroom at any moment. As she pressed the phone up to her burning ear, she heard it was a voicemail and she slowly sat down as she heard Alex's croaky voice, mumbling a message.

"_Izzie, urm hey. I'm sorry I rushed off last night, but April wasn't feeling too good….so urm.. sorry. I wanted to apologize too, about, you know…It shouldn't have happened and I'm sorry. I'm with April now Iz, so I hope you understand that, and that I need to move on. But honestly, I still think so much of you, so I hope that….. I hope that maybe we can be friends one day._

Izzie felt her stomach drop though the floor, as she heard the familiar beep to signal the end of the message. So typical of Alex. He couldn't even show her the decency to say all that to her face. He clearly hadn't grown up that much, she thought angrily. She felt her whole face burning and she felt a huge lump form in her throat, as she listened to the message again. She felt hurt, angry, rejected and a little ashamed. Alex had chosen April. He hadn't meant to kiss her at all, he'd just got carried away in the moment and she had been stupid enough to think that it had meant something to him.

She was just about to call him back and confront him when Jackson suddenly walked in and sat down next to her on the sofa.

"My head is pounding" he said as he leant over and kissed her. He smelt heavenly she thought, as she inhaled the scent of his fresh shower gel, mixed with his aftershave and she suddenly forgot Alex just for a second, before he looked at her clutching her phone tightly in her hand and said. "Who was on the phone?"

Izzie quickly lied, saying "Oh, just a message from Mer. She wanted the gossip on last night after she left" Her voice quivering slightly as she tried to keep it together and not cry.

"Are you ok?" Jackson said to her, noticing the wobble in her voice and she just nodded, and as she looked at his strong handsome features and the kindness in his eyes, it suddenly clicked. Being with Jackson had been so refreshing. He was open, honest, uncomplicated and he had never, once behaved like an ass towards her. He was a good man and that, she suddenly decided, was exactly what she wanted now.

* * *

April was feeling a lot more human. It was amazing the wonders a hot shower, four cups of coffee and then a late afternoon lunch date with your handsome boyfriend, would do for a hangover she thought. As later that evening, she was lying back in bed. Alex had suggested an early night and after how he had behaved towards her all day she couldn't wait. She had fallen for him all over again. Remembering all the reasons they had got together in the first place and how he was the one that had been there for her when Jackson hadn't been. April was starting to think that maybe he was the man for her after all. Particularly after his sweet heart felt speech to her and any insecurities she'd had about Izzie were slowly starting to disappear.

…..

The sex between them that night was different, April thought giddily. Everything was different. Alex was different. She felt more connected to him and he touched her face and kissed her passionately. He started slowly and then got faster and faster and more intense and as she sensed it was coming to a finish, April looked up to meet his brown eyes. But she saw to her disappointment, that they were staring beyond her and then just as she sensed it was all over for him, he gripped her hair and she heard the three words that she certainly wasn't expecting to hear, coming breathlessly from his lips as he groaned "_I love you!... Iz" _and they both froze, at the full horror of what he had just said, as seconds later they were apart and April had her back to him, and he didn't even attempt to speak to her.

April lay cold and rigid, she knew she should feel immense rejection and humiliation at what had just happened, but at that exact moment all she could think about was that being with Alex was all wrong!

She thought of Jackson and how whatever it was that 'had or hadn't' happened between them the night before at the party, had now, never felt so right to her. But _just what exactly was she going to do about it?_


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

**A/N Thanks so much for your continued interest in my story. It's really great to hear what you think. **

**Okay so this is a bit of a mega chapter. I was going to break it in to two, but thought it works quite well just as one. I really hope you like it. Because it's setting up some serious action between our two fav couples for next couple of chapters :)**

"Okay so what do you think?" Her bubbly, upbeat voice suddenly taking on a sharper edge as she looked across at Alex and in sheer exasperation she said "Dr Karev….you care to share your opinion with us at all today?"

Alex was instantly snapped away from his deep thoughts. He knew not to mess with her, when her voice sounded like that.

He looked back at his mentor and mumbled a quick "Yeah sorry, looks like we will have to operate. I'll page Sloan and go and speak to the parents."

Arizona grabbed the piece of paper from his hand and said firmly "No. I'll go and speak to the parents. This kid here, Dr Karev, has serious life changing injuries and so _you_ will go and take a break and sort out just whatever it is that you're so preoccupied with. Then you will come back on top of your game and ready to operate." Her eyes flashed him a fierce look, warning him not to mess with her. As he moodily got up and walked out of the room without saying a word, closing the door firmly behind him. It was a while since Arizona had spoken to him like that.

Running his hands through his hair in frustration, he sighed. His eyes felt heavy and he was seriously tired. Having not slept at all the night before after the horror of what had happened with April. He had rushed in to work at 5am, just to avoid her searching, expectant eyes, pushing him to express his feelings, willing him to be _that _guy. Well he never would be _that_ guy so she would just have to accept that.

Alex knew exactly where he was going. As with a fresh, steaming coffee in his hand, he made his way outside through the grey, cloudy, drizzle of another Seattle morning, and straight across to the same secluded bench that he always went to when he had stuff on his mind.

As he sat down on the slightly damp wooden slates, he thought of all the many other occasions that he'd found himself there. When he'd first screwed things up with Izzie and slept with Olivia. Then when she'd dumped him for Denny, when he had fallen so deeply in love with her that he'd never felt pain like it before. Then again, years later when he'd first found out about her cancer and later when Shepherd had found the second tumour, when Meredith had come out and found him crying like a girl. Then, when he had found the note she'd left him and lastly and probably the most devastating time of all after he'd sent her away and she had filed for divorce. That was when he had given up all hope, that she would ever come back to him.

Here he was predictably thinking about _her_ again he thought bitterly, as he sipped his coffee, and he slid his phone out of his pocket and opened the short text that Izzie had sent him the day before. He had already read it repeatedly over and over again, but he needed to see it one more time, as he took in the three simple words she had sent in response to his muffled voicemail.

_'Ok I understand' x_

He suddenly felt a wave of anger. He was so angry with himself for crying out her name at _tha_t moment, when he had made the decision to make a go of things with April. A girl who had never once hurt him.

But he was also angry for a whole host of other reasons. For allowing himself to lose control and kiss Izzie again, and to let her in again and to still be so _in love with her_. But mostly he was angry with himself, for not having the ability to move on.

He had tried so hard with April. But he had to face the simple fact that April was just another version of all the others. Olivia, Rebecca, Lexie and then Lucy. All women he had used, to try and prove to himself that he could be happy in another relationship and that he wasn't forever going to be painfully caught up in unrequited love for the rest of his sorry life.

He could have been happy with April he thought, he could have grown to love her and to enjoy making love to her. But as soon as he had laid eyes on Izzie again, he had known that would be impossible.

As the black clouds over head threatened imminent rain, he started to resent Izzie. He had thought he was done hating her, but now the strength of his emotions were blurring again, just like they had when she had first left him. He had been taken aback at just how right it had felt to kiss her again. But the thought of becoming vulnerable again had scared the hell out of him. It had made him throw everything he had in to his relationship with April, to try and make a future with a girl who he could actually believe when she told him she loved him.

As he swigged the rest of his coffee, he glanced at his watch and pager, Arizona would be pissed if he was much longer and she was right he did need to pull himself together, he was an attending now and his career had to come first.

…..

As Alex approached Arizona's office a deep scowl crossed his face, as he looked in to see both Sloan and Avery stood in there with her laughing together. Their bromance was really starting to piss him off he thought.

"Dr Karev, good of you to join us." Arizona said to him, as he walked in and she turned back to look at Sloan and Avery saying ."Ok, so we'll schedule the OR for 3pm then?"

Jackson suddenly looked uncomfortable, as Sloan quickly said to him "It's ok I can handle it"

Arizona looked confused as Jackson said "Izzie had a scan this afternoon."

At hearing this Alex immediately stirred and before he could stop himself he blurted out "Is everything ok?"

Jackson looked directly at him, as he said "Yeah, it's just routine, she has them every six months, just as a precaution. But I don't want her to have to go through it on her own."

Alex felt his fists screw up and at it took everything he had in him at that moment, not to revert back to his wrestling roots and lunge at the guy, the guy that was now holding Izzie's hand when it should be him.

Jackson quickly sensed the tension and got up to leave as he mumbled a quick "catch you later" to Arizona.

Sloan got up to follow him before turning back to Alex and saying "Stevens will be ok, she's a fighter" as he patted Alex lightly on the arm and despite how much Alex knew Mark Sloan despised him, there was nothing but one hundred per cent sincerity and empathy in his voice.

* * *

Later that day, as he made his way in to the cafeteria with his lunch tray in hand, Alex was in an increasingly foul mood. He hadn't heard from or spoken to April all day. Which he was partly relieved about, but he knew he would have to face her at some point and he was dreading what he would say to her.

He would have been quite happy to have sat moodily on his own, but he spotted Meredith and Cristina sat at their favourite table. Before he could turn away, they waved him over and he sulkily went and sat down with them.

He bit in to his sandwich as Meredith turned to him and said playfully "So things are getting really serious with you and April then?"

He stopped chewing and looked at her as he said gruffly "What?"

Meredith sipped her drink, before teasing further and saying "Oh, just that I heard that you're thinking about, you know, making an honest woman of her."

Alex was getting annoyed now, as he snapped back "what's that supposed to mean?"

Meredith looked slightly taken aback at his reaction, as straight faced, she said "Oh….. well it's probably nothing, but she said that because of her religious stuff, you guys were going to, you know…" She stopped ,as she saw the angry red flush spreading across his cheeks and she quickly said "Oh it was probably nothing. Just forget I said anything"

Alex abruptly stood up. "Where are you going?" Meredith said awkwardly.

"You know what? I'm not hungry" Alex said, as he turned to walk away, before adding. "I don't know what she's been saying, but we're just screwing around alright, that's all." and he stomped off.

Cristina turned to Meredith, her mouth wide open, she hadn't seen Alex that angry or full of emotion since, well, since Izzie, and she said "What was all that about? I was there and Kepner didn't say anything like that. If anything she was whining about how she didn't think she did it for him."

A small mischievous smile crept across Meredith's lips, as she said "I know"

Cristina suddenly smiled too, as she said "Oh you are evil. Since when did you become such a bitch?"

Meredith was straight faced as she said innocently "I am not a bitch. It's just that sometimes people can't see what is right in front of them, and well Alex shouldn't be with April. I think we both know there's not much Alex without Izzie" and they both smiled.

Alex knew he shouldn't be there, but he couldn't help himself ,as he stepped out of the elevator and on to the oncology floor. He had tried painstakingly hard to avoid that part of the hospital at all costs for the last few years, unable to cope with the intensely painful memories it stirred in him. He had forced himself to shut them out of his mind. But ever since he'd found out earlier that day, that Izzie was having a scan again, it had sent shock waves through his whole system. _What if she wasn't okay? What if she was sick again? What if he lost her?_

He glanced down the wide, sterile, white corridor and he shuddered as he thought of the many times he had paced up and down it.

Then he saw her. She was sat in the distance. She had a subtle look of terror in her big, wide, eyes, one he recognised so well, and he could sense her fear, as he saw her trembling slightly. But she still looked beautiful he thought. Her golden blonde hair was tied up, with loose strands framing her face and, even in her scrubs she looked hot, as they clung to her curvy body and he thought how perfect she was. Just as he winced and saw that there sat next to her, gripping her hand was Avery. Alex turned and abruptly walked off.

* * *

It was coming to the end of the day and April took a deep breath as she walked slowly over to the clinic. She wasn't even certain that Izzie would be there.

She had been agonizing about what she should do all day and when Bailey had finally had enough of her sorry, moping, face and sent her over to the clinic for the remainder of her shift, April had thought that it might provide her with the opportunity to speak to Izzie. As there were certainly a few things she wanted to say to her.

As soon as she walked in she immediately saw Izzie. She was stood talking to some interns and they were laughing at something she was saying. She had her blonde hair piled up on her head and she looked as usual immaculate.

April smoothed down her hair and walked boldly up to her, as she said "Bailey thought you could do with a hand"

The carefree laugh on Izzie's face was replaced with a look of anticipation, as she looked at April. She quickly said something to the interns and they walked away. Izzie had never really had a proper conversation with April before. Somehow their paths had never really had cause to cross, and that had been more than fine with Izzie, given the circumstances and particularly the guilt she felt recently, after what had happened with Alex the night of her party. But she had known that sooner or later she would have to face April.

She smiled warmly back at April and said. "Well, we're closing soon, but we can always do with extra help."

Izzie looked at April inquisitively. She was curious as to what Alex's girlfriend was really like. She couldn't be more different to his usual type, Izzie thought. She was pretty, in a girl next door kind of way, but she looked kind of shy and innocent and she seemed distinctly normal. A stark contrast to the dolled up and slightly trashy girls, he used to bring back to Meredith's when they had all lived together as interns.

As they moved to start working, April desperately searched for something to say, but she had no idea where to start, so she just blurted out. "Can I ask you something?"…."I mean I think it's great that you spend so much time here in the clinic, but why? When you're such a good surgeon?"

Izzie swallowed with slight relief, she had been unsure of just what April was about to say to her, as she replied. "I don't spend that much time here really. But this clinic it's kind of special to me, so I come here whenever I can"

April was impressed with her explanation and slightly curious, but she didn't press her further which Izzie was glad about. Instead she suddenly just said "I envy you."

Izzie was completely taken aback at that statement. _Why would anyone envy her? _Her face searched April's as she said. "Why would you possibly envy me? I mean I may be a board certified surgeon now, but if you knew what I had to do to get that. My life has never been easy. I grew up in a trailer park and I had to fight so hard to get to med school and then when I finally thought I was on track. I got sick and I lost my best friend and I got fired and well I nearly lost everything."

April was shocked, apart from the cancer part, the rest was news to her. She had just presumed that perfect Izzie, would have had a perfect life. That would explain why Jackson was with her and Alex was clearly still in love with her. But one thing April had learnt recently. Things were never as straightforward as they seemed.

Izzie touched her face, the stuffy atmosphere in the clinic was making her feel faint. Her scans earlier in the day had shaken her up slightly and now the awkward conversation with April and the guilt she felt towards her was proving too much. "Think I need some fresh air" she said to April. "You want to join me?"

….

Outside the clinic, Izzie's hair was blowing slightly in the breeze, as she folded her arms and with an earnst look on her face, she said to April. "Look April, did you really come to help in the clinic? Or this about something else? Is this about Alex?"

April shifted uncomfortably, as she said "You … you were the love of his life"

Izzie sighed, if only April knew the truth, she thought, that Alex had made his decision to be with her and she said "April, whatever happened between me and Alex, it's all in the past. He's with you now, and he doesn't want me anymore. So you have nothing to worry about and the thing you have to understand about Alex is, he can't express his feelings."

April nodded, she knew that alright, she thought, as Izzie continued. "But underneath that cold and slighly bad ass exterior, is probably the most caring, kind and amazing guy you could ever be with." She stopped. realizing how her voice had started shaking with emotion and April stared at her, taken aback at the depth of her words.

After a couple of seconds, April said "He called out your name…. he called out your name last night, when we were having sex…..and it's not the first time either" April was ashamed to admit it, but Alex had called out Izzie's name before in his sleep. At first she had thought she had imagined it, but it was all very clear to her now.

"So, I think I do have something to worry about, don't you?" she said, as a single tear slid down her cheek.

Izzie was completely lost for words, as April quietly said "He still loves _you _" and she saw something in Izzie's eyes, something that told her that Izzie still loved Alex too. …

* * *

Alex wasn't entirely sure why he was on his way to the clinic, but he needed to see Izzie to check she was ok. The harsh reality of her illness coming back had hit him hard; it had made him realize that he needed her to be okay. Even if they weren't together, he _needed_ her to be okay.

As he saw the entrance to the clinic in the distance, he saw Izzie. She was stood deep in what looked like a serious conversation with another female. But it wasn't Meredith or Cristina, and then to his complete surprise he saw it was April.

He froze, blood pumping furiously through his veins, as he tried to work out, exactly what they were talking about. He was still feeling like a complete idiot after what had happened with April the night before. After he'd tried so hard to convince her that it was her that he wanted to be with, and not Izzie. But he couldn't lie to her, not anymore and he felt like a total ass, she must be really upset and angry with him. But would she really be that spiteful to go and tell Izzie. He didn't think so, but he wasn't sure, he wasn't sure of anything anymore. He turned and walked back in to the hospital

* * *

Having left the clinic ,April made her way back accross to the surgical floor. She was thinking about what she could do to try and occupy herself for the rest of her shift. When out of nowhere Alex appeared, stopping her in her tracks as he looked at her and said "What have you been saying about us?" a dark, anger reflecting from his soft brown eyes.

"What?" April said, her mouth wide open.

"You've been telling people that we're getting engaged or something" he said, as his eyes darkened further. He was upset and confused and the only way he knew how to deal with that was to get mad. So he he said "Is that what you were saying to Izzie too? Because you had no right"

April's face flushed "You saw me talking to Izzie?"

She paused, waiting for him to speak as he remained silent. His face searching hers for an answer, so she said "No, no Alex I haven't said that to anyone I swear. Why would I? When you….."

She stopped and then suddenly something snapped in her, as she said. "You know what? You really can be a total jerk sometimes. This nice one minute, then totally losing it the next routine is really not doing it for me, and I am done defending you all the time, defending you to Jac…." she stopped, realizing what she was saying as she saw the rage flash in his face and he said "Well you know what, why don't you just run off back to your prince _fucking _charming then. If he's so dam perfect. You need to wake up April, because you just don't live in the real world and I cant….I just can't be there for you all the time."

At those words, she turned and rushed off as quickly as she could with no control over the increasing flow of tears streaming down her cheeks.

Alex just stood still watching her go. He knew he'd had to go after her. But at that precise moment, he just took a deep breath, thinking maybe he should have done everyone a favour and left Seattle when he'd had the chance.

* * *

April was sat hunched up in the corner in an empty chair, she wasn't quite sure what she was doing, but she knew that sooner or later _he _would walk past and see her sat there and without realizing it she craved that more than anything.

Things were winding down in the hospital ready for the evening shift to take over and she could barely see anything through the sheen of her tears. She was about to get up, just as she heard a familiar laugh and there in front of her was the one person she had longed to see all day.

As soon as he saw her, his eyes immediately fixed on her, and he dropped the chart he was holding on the nurses' station and rushed towards her and without saying a word, he wrapped his arms around her and she breathed in his scent, instantly feeling better, as a deep longing for him drifted over her, as he said "What is it?"

She broke away, and looked at him her eyes moist still and she didn't need to say anything as he gently said "It's him isn't it. What's he done?"

April nodded and softly said "He said some stuff….." she paused, debating exactly what to tell him next, because there was just so much she wanted to say to him.

She wiped her face with her hands, as she said "He's just so hot and cold all the time, and I just don't know what I'm doing wrong"

Jackson stood and searched her face with his eyes; they hadn't spoken since his and Izzie's party, when he had nearly kissed her. He had wanted to see her again, to tell her how sorry he was. But seeing her here now, he knew he wasn't sorry one bit.

* * *

Glancing at his watch Alex breathed a sigh of relief, his shift had finished and he could finally get the hell out of the hospital and to anywhere that was far away and serving a cold beer. He tuned to press the button for the elevator, when he saw Avery walking furiously towards him. Alex pursed his lips he knew exactly what this would be about

"Look, I don't know what she'd told you but…." He said, as Jackson approached him and Alex took in the full effect of his angry face.

"What is your problem Karev?" Jackson said, his face full of disgust.

Alex wasn't quite sure how to respond, but he sure as hell knew he didn't have to explain himself to Jackson Avery, so he said. "You think I'm the bad guy here? Well why don't you ask yourself, who it was exactly, that just took off and left?"

Jackson felt as though he was about to explode, as he raised his voice and said "You know what? I really just don't get _what_ April see's in you and I sure as hell don't get why Izzie _married_ you."

At the mention of Izzie's name, Alex saw red, and at that moment he wasn't a respected surgeon at the hospital anymore he was right back to his roots and he had no control over his actions as he _smashed his fist straight in to Jackson's face!_

_..._


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER 14

Alex's fist slammed in to Jackson's face, causing him to stagger back.

At the taste of fresh blood, Jackson immediately touched his lip, and seeing the bright red liquid on his finger, he launched himself back at Alex. Taking a swing at his face, his knuckles brushing just past his nose as Alex fell backwards, with a thundering crash in to a nearby trolley. Pausing, to catch his breath, Alex quickly got to his feet and soon the two of them were wrestling on the ground. As an increasingly large group of spectators gathered around them, fixated on the scene unfolding in front of them.

"Break it up, you two" Owen Hunt yelled, rushing over to come inbetween them.

As he succeeded in dragging them apart both Jackson and Alex remained fixing the other with a furious glare.

"You, Reynolds" Hunt said, gesturing to a tall, lanky intern who was standing looking on. "Go and patch up Dr Karev"

Reynolds opened his mouth to protest, he was wary of Dr Karev at the best of times, let alone now. But before he could say anything, Hunt glared at him and snapped fiercely "Now."

As Reynolds walked tentatively up to him, Alex reluctantly turned and marched abruptly in the opposite direction followed closely by the nervous intern.

* * *

With a worried and slightly guilty look on her face, April hurriedly pulled the curtain back to the cubicle that she knew he had been sent to.

She was instantly met with the sight of him, sat slumped at the edge of the bed. He was holding a cold compress to his eye with one hand, and the other was resting loosely bandaged on the side of the bed beside him.

April put her hand to her mouth in shock. She hadn't meant to cause any of this.

His eyes looked up to meet hers and she instantly felt a deep connection. Suddenly thinking how no man had ever done anything like this for her before.

She was lost for words as he quietly said to her "It looks worse than it is."

She sat down next to him and meekly said "I'm sorry Jackson, this is all my fault."

"Ouch" he winced as he released the compress from his eye for a second, exposing the red swollen skin beneath it and he said "April, this is nobody's fault but mine. I shouldn't have lost it. I don't know what I was thinking" He paused, as he said dismissively. "What are you doing here anyway? Shouldn't you be checking on Karev?"

April clasped her hands together, as she said "I don't think he really wants to see me at the moment, do you?"

Jackson pressed the compress back to his face and sighed deeply, as he said "April, what are you doing with him?...I mean, are you really happy? Why are you with him?"

He stopped, allowing her time to respond, as she looked down at the floor and said "I don't know."

She then looked up and straight ahead at the wall, as she added "I mean, I thought I was happy, because I know he cares about me. But I guess we're together because" she took a deep breath….."because we were both lonely"

Jackson turned his face to look her straight on, as he said "lonely isn't a reason to be with someone April. It isn't a reason to settle, to be treated like a doormat."

April's face suddenly reddened, as she said "He doesn't treat me like a doormat, and whatever he's done. It can't be worse than what I've done" She abruptly broke off, willing him to say something in response. She wanted more than anything to ask him what had happened at the party, but she felt like such a fool for not remembering. Plus she felt immense guilt towards Alex, and now she had caused a fist fight in the centre of the hospital she was mortified.

Jackson just sat motionless, silently contemplating exactly just what it was that she was getting at. As with a confused look, he eventually said "What do you mean?"

"What _we_ did?" April said, half questioning him, as her cheeks flushed pink with embarrassment.

His facial expression suddenly changed, as he realized what she was talking about, and he said "You mean at the party? April, nothing happened between us then. I mean, it nearly did and we spoke about a lot of stuff, but you were….."

"Oh" her face dropped slightly, as she took in what he was saying and she wasn't sure if she was disappointed or relieved, and she certainly wasn't sure where this left her and Alex now.

Jackson was silent for a couple of seconds, before saying slowly "Did you mean what you said that night?"

April looked at his handsome face and she felt overwhelmed by emotion, as she simply said "Which part?"

"The part where you said you didn't regret what happened in San Francisco?" he replied.

She looked deeply in to his blue eyes and said. "Of course I meant it." thinking how she hadn't forgotten that part of their conversation.

"Then why was everything so awkward afterwards?" he said, his eyes desperately searching her face for an answer.

She folded her arms defensively, as she said "I didn't want it to be awkward, but I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if _you_ regretted it and then with everything else that happened…"

"Of course I didn't regret it" he abruptly interrupted, as he took in the pain on her face and he knew he had hurt her _badly._

"Why did you leave then?" April blurted out. "I mean you didn't call or email or anything, you just left. What was I supposed to think?" her voice was raised slightly and her face was now full of hurt and accusation

Jackson shook his head. He was so confused, he knew he shouldn't have left her. But he also knew that at the time he had to leave, he had to get out of Seattle and start again for his career, for his _sanity._

He suddenly thought of Izzie and the times they had shared since he had left Seattle, it had been just what he had needed and it had been easy and he did really like her. But he couldn't deny that it had been different since they had been back in Seattle, Izzie had been different and he felt as though she wasn't really _there_ a lot of the time. _So was being with her enough for him?_

He turned back to April, as he said. "I left because I had to. Because at the time, I thought it was for the best. But honestly April, I never meant to hurt you."

At hearing those words April felt herself losing control of her emotions again.

He sensed her tension, as he slowly moved closer to her, and within a flash he was so close, she could literally feel his breath on her skin. Making her shiver all over.

He released his hand from his face, causing the compress he had been holding up to his eye to drop to the floor, and he touched her cheek.

April shuddered, as she anticipated his touch and she remembered just what it was like to have his soft lips on hers. He moved in to meet her mouth with his and at the incredible sensation, she couldn't help but think how different it felt to the wooden and slightly dismissive way Alex always kissed her.

She was just about to wrap her arm around his neck and fully lose herself in the moment, when the curtain to the cubicle was abruptly pulled back, causing them to violently spring apart.

….

"Impressive" Mark Sloan said, as he marched in to the cubicle and moved across to look at Jackson's swollen eye. If he had caught them in the midst of their passionate embrace, he didn't let on, as straight faced as he just continued to look at Jackson's face.

"Well,doesn't look like you'll be requiring my services" he said, smirking as he added "Got to hand it to you Avery, if you're going to choose any guy to sock in the face around here, Karev's an excellent choice" thinking how, he had been more than close to doing it himself on several occasions.

"He started it" Jackson said defensively. As April picked up the compress from the floor and passed it to him, and he pressed it back up against his face again.

"So what was it about then? ...Stevens?" Sloan questioned.

But before Jackson had the chance to answer, Sloan added "Where is she anyway? You want me to page her?"

"No… She'll have left by now. I don't want to bother her, not after she had her scans today" Jackson said quickly.

"Ok" Sloan said, as he raised his eyebrows. "Well, seeing as you have your own private doctor here. I'll leave you kids to it" and he promptly existed the cubicle.

…..

When she was sure he had gone, April turned back to Jackson and her face looked panic stricken, as she said "Do you think he saw anything?"

Jackson had a serious look on his face, as he said "I don't know. Does it really matter?"

"_Yes!" _she quickly said. "What if Alex finds out, and Izzie?"

Jackson moved closer to her, as he said. "Izzie won't find out and Alex, you can't still be seriously considering staying with him after this?" His caring expression, shifting to one of exasperation as he looked at her worried, anxious face staring back at him.

April just didn't know what to do or say in response.

She had been so sure that something had happened between her and Jackson at the party, that she had felt certain that she shouldn't be with Alex. But now that she knew that nothing _had_ really happened, _could she really throw away the only serious relationship she'd ever had?_ For what? A kiss? She still had no idea where she stood with Jackson really, or what exactly she needed him to say to her. He was living with another girl, and he had left her months before, after she'd slept with him. Alex had never done anything like that to hurt her.

April breathed in deeply. At that exact moment in time there was only thing that she was sure of, kissing Jackson moments earlier had completely set her heart on fire and she wanted more than anything to do it again.

...

Jackson knew she was waiting for him to say something, but he was lost for words. He knew for certain that he didn't want her to be with Karev. But he also knew that he was with Izzie and although he wasn't sure exactly where that relationship was going, he knew that being with Izzie made him feel good and he liked her a lot.

The thought of being with April, on the other hand and his feelings for her, were intense, and they scared him. Because he knew if he finally committed to her, it would be the real deal, there would be no going back.

"Jac…" April said, as she started to say something, just as at that exact moment Jackson's pager beeped.

He pulled it out of his pocket and looked down at it as he said "Dam… It's the chief. He wants to see me in his office straight away" and he quickly slid of the bed.

Before he walked out, he gently touched April's arm and said. "I'm here all night, so will you stick around? I think we need to finish this conversation." and April simply nodded, saying "Yeah sure" as she watched him walk away.

…..


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N - So things are starting to heat up now, and this chapter gets a little hot! So really hope you like it!**

CHAPTER 15

Alex was sat moodily in a vacant office on the surgical floor. His body language was projecting angry hostile vibes, as he glared at the first year intern hovering nervously beside him. Blood dripping from the fresh gashing wound on his forehead, he had received from the fall he had taken in to a metal trolley, during his fight with Jackson earlier.

The intern placed a gloved hand on Alex's temple saying shyly "Ermm.. I think you need stiches"

"Just get on with it" Alex snapped. He was feeling a mixture of anger, embarrassment and frustration and he just wanted to get the hell out of there and _fast._

The intern was just about to begin the stitching, when the door to the office suddenly burst open and Izzie walked in. "I'll take over here" she said to the intern, and needing no further encouragement, he scurried quickly out of the room.

"Iz?" Alex said, as he shot her a surprised look.

She had changed out of her scrubs and was wearing fitted jeans and a black top with brown boots and her hair was falling loosely over her shoulders.

She smiled at him and he suddenly felt an instant relief and warmth from her being there.

Without saying anything, she walked across and leaned over him, looking at the wound on his head. Immediately causing all his senses to stir at her closeness.

"So what happened?" she said to him, as she quickly tore back the wrapper on some disposable gloves and pulled them on.

"He had it coming" Alex said flatly.

"What did he say to make you so mad?" she said, as she began skilfully stitching him up.

Alex winced at the sudden sharp sting, before saying "Doesn't matter….What are you doing here anyway? Shouldn't you be tending to him?" and he shuddered, as he felt her long, soft, hair brush his arm, as she leaned in closer, and he felt a tingle spread across his body.

She was silent for a second before finishing and snapping the gloves off and wiping her hands, and ignoring the last past of his question, she said "I wanted to check you were okay?"

That was partly the truth, Izzie had been concerned when she'd heard Alex had been hurt. The other reason simply being that she had needed to see him. Because despite the voicemail he had left her and no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't stop thinking about what April had said to her earlier. That Alex still _loved_ her. That he had said her _name._

She had known that she hadn't imagined that look in his eye, when they had kissed at her party. She knew deep down, their connection was still there. He had tried to shut her out, because that was what he always did when he was confused. He pushed her away. But she had decided that this time, _she wasn't going to let him push her away. No matter how hard he tried._

"Here take this…. for the swelling" she said, as she passed him a compress and he held it up to his face.

"Thanks" he said, as he added. "How did your scan go?"

She looked surprised, as he said "You can't keep anything secret around here Iz"

Izzie smiled to herself and replied "They were fine. I am officially still cancer free."

A huge smile spread across Alex's face with the relief, as he said "That's great."

Izzie took deep breath and thinking she was probably going to regret it, she looked directly at him, as she said. "You know, you took a nasty blow to the head. Someone should really keep an eye on you and well we're both off duty now, so why don't you come back to my place. I could fix you up something to eat?"

Alex raised his eyebrows, as Izzie said "Oh, don't worry about him, he won't be back. He's working here all night."

Alex paused. He knew what his head was telling him to do, but his heart on the other hand was a different matter.

He had two choices, he could either go home to face April's wounded, needy and expectant face, making him feel guilty, annoyed and frustrated. Or he could go back with Izzie and relax in her calming presence and…. then his mind started wandering and he knew the decision was already made, as he said "Have you got any alcohol?"

She smiled, and let out a small laugh before saying "You know me."

…

Walking in to Izzie's apartment, Alex followed her in to the kitchen, as she threw her purse down and tossed her keys on the side.

"Some left over pasta okay?" She said, as she moved to the fridge and lent down giving Alex the perfect view of her body in her fitted jeans and he raised his eyebrows.

With her back still turned, he noticed a tray of muffins on the side and he cheekily picked one up and bit in to it and through a mouthful he laughed and said "You still baking these things."

She turned around and frowned at him before giggling and saying "You know me. I'm a baker. Whenever I've got things on my mind, I bake"

Alex laughed some more, as he remembered that only too well, and he said "Oh, so that's why Avery's put on a few pounds then is it?"

…

As they sat down on the sofa, Izzie poured two large glasses of wine, and leaned over to pass one to Alex, flashing a subtle amount of cleavage that immediately made him feel a rush of blood south. He picked the glass up and took a big gulp before eagerly starting on the food.

As Alex hungrily spooned down mouthfuls of pasta, Izzie eyed him intently and she suddenly said "So come on, what did Jackson say to make you so mad at him then?"

As he continued to eat, Alex tried to brush it off saying. "Oh nothing really, he was just pissed at something I said to April."

"Oh" her curious facial expression turned to one of shock. That wasn't what she had expected to hear. She had just presumed that they were fighting over her not _April._ As a thought suddenly popped in to her head and she said "Did Jackson and April….did they have a _thing_ together before he left?"

Alex put his spoon down and looked confused. He had presumed Izzie would have known all about Avery and April. It had seemed to be all anyone had spoken about for weeks, so he said "Err yeah…. She lost her virginity to him. Didn't he tell you?"

Izzie gasped and nearly spat out her wine, and her mouth gaped wide open. This was news to her. Firstly that Jackson had slept with April in the first place and secondly that April had been a virgin! "She was a….." Izzie replied, and laughed.

Alex suddenly felt defensive over April, and he said "She had principles okay, she was religious or something. I don't know, but just give her a break."

Izzie stopped laughing and said "Sorry, it's just a shock to find someone our age that's still a…. I think it's nice though, that she has her principles…... " She stopped and grinned again, as she said "Oh, so no wonder you and Jackson were fighting over her then" and she smirked, before suddenly contemplating how she couldn't be more different to April. She had been a lingerie model, who got pregnant at 16 and April, up until recently had been an innocent virgin.

After a short pause, Izzie said "So, it's getting pretty serious between you two then? I mean I heard you're even thinking of getting her a ring." she fiddled with her hair as she nervously awaited his response.

He shrugged and said "Nah…. That's never going to happen. I've decided _marriage_ is definitely not for me." He looked her directly in the eye, as she winced, and it forced her to recall just exactly how their marriage had ended up.

"How does that go down with her religious principles then?" Izzie said, probing further, keeping full eye contact with him.

"Don't really care" he replied, as he looked away and sipped his wine. If he was honest, he was starting to have serious doubts about his compatibility with April in general.

"Well you shouldn't let one disastrous marriage put you off another" Izzie said quietly.

"Izzie" Alex said as he grabbed her hand, the alcohol in his system spurring him on, as he gazed at her beautiful face and said "Nothing about being married to you was disastrous, and despite what you might think, I don't regret what happened the other night either"

Izzie allowed herself to relax a little, as she searched for something to say in response.

Alex sensed her awkwardness and with a deep sigh he said "I saw you talking to April earlier….. What did she say to you? ….."

Izzie swallowed and said "Just that she thinks that you're not happy and that you still have feelings for me." She paused, band then said quietly "Do you still have feelings for me?"

Alex had never been good at talking about his feelings, particularly where Izzie was concerned. But he knew he couldn't hide his feelings anymore, he had known that, the moment he had agreed to come back to her apartment with her earlier that evening. But he had absolutely no idea how to tell her how crazy in love with her he still was.

He then thought of all the reasons that he should push her away._ That she had left him, she had broken his heart, she had returned with Avery._ But they all suddenly seemed so irrelevant, as he leaned over to express his feelings the only way he knew how. By pulling her towards him, caressing her face and pressing his lips in to hers, with furious intensity. He relaxed, as he felt her body next to his again, her warmth, her scent.

Izzie felt her whole body on fire at Alex's touch. She had missed him so much. She slowly unbuttoned his jeans and at her touch he gasped out breathlessly, his heart rate suddenly speeding up rapidly. Her touch was heaven and she still knew exactly how to drive him crazy.

They clumsily pulled at each other's clothes, before stumbling to the bedroom.

Alex was taken aback at the sight of Izzie's body again. It had always been so perfect to him, even when she'd been sick. He gazed directly in to her big eyes, and all he could think about was how right it felt to be making love to her again.

…

As he held her afterwards, their discarded clothes in a pile on the floor beside them Alex smiled contently. For the first time in years, he felt totally satisfied, and overwhelmingly and completely fulfilled.

They were both silent for a moment, lost for words as Alex stroked Izzie's hair lovingly, before he gently said "Iz, what are we doing?"

Izzie lay silent and staring in to space, just trying to relish in the moment and take in the amazing sensation of finally being back with the love of her life. But she was torn between the indescribable joy of the mind-blowing sex, she'd just had with Alex and the unbearable guilt she felt as she thought about Jackson, her wonderful, kind and loyal boyfriend; and then April and she sighed and simply said "I don't know"

He held her closer to him, as he said "I still can't believe you're back here Iz. I thought I'd never see you again and for a long time I thought I wouldn't survive without you"

"But you did" she said slowly.

"Did I?" he said "I may have created the illusion that I did. But the truth is not a single day went by when I didn't think about you, and how different my life would be if I hadn't told you to go."

Her eyes welled up, as she said "If you only knew how much I regretted leaving you Alex. But we can't change what happened"

Turning his head to focus on her face he said "No. But we can change what happens now ….. "

"Can we?" she replied weakly.

Alex then tilted her face up to look at him, as he said "_Yes"_

At those words, Izzie just smiled, as she said "You know what? I'm going to get us another drink" and she hopped up, pulling her underwear and top back on, as she made her way in to the kitchen.

Alex leaned back feeling relaxed and happy. He reached down for his phone to check the time, just as it suddenly vibrated and lit up. He looked at the caller ID and frowned as he quickly put it up to his ear and said…..

"_Yeah, it's me…Look, just calm down ok, speak slowly and breathe. I can't understand what you're saying…What!...Yes, I'm still here, and yes I heard you. How?...How did it happen? I mean, how could you let it happen? No, don't do anything ok. Just stay where you are and don't do anything until I get to you."_

He hung up. Hurriedly throwing all his clothes on and grabbing his phone and without saying a word, he quickly rushed straight out of the apartment.

….


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N – Sorry for late update. I really hope this chap makes up for it and you keep following! **

CHAPTER 16

Izzie closed the fridge door, with a smile on her face and two beers in her hand.

She walked back over to the sofa, where she'd left Alex lying lazily, moments earlier. But as she looked over, to her complete surprise she saw that he had _gone!_

She had heard him on the phone and wondered if he'd stepped outside. So she opened the front door to slowly peer her head out and down the wide, empty hallway. There was no sign of him. She went back in and picked up her phone, dialling his number with a confused and worried look on her face. It went straight to voicemail. She left a message. Then dialled it again as it went straight back to voicemail.

By the third attempt, she was starting to get mad. How could he just take off? W_ithout saying a word! _Had he actually meant any of what he'd just said to her? She knew him though, and she knew in her heart that he _had_ meant what he'd said. So just disappearing like this, didn't make any sense whatsoever.

She quickly got dressed, grabbed her keys and headed out the door, hitting dial on her phone again and lifting it to her ear. This time the call was answered straight away "Izzie" Meredith said, with a slightly vague tone.

"Mer" Izzie said breathlessly. "Have you seen Alex?"

Meredith's tone shifted to one of curiosity, as she said "Yeah, he came by here a second ago. He seemed in quite a hurry. What's going on Iz?"

Izzie sighed. "I can't explain now, but is April there?"

Meredith's voice changed, as she said "Yes, she's been helping me. I'm covering the pit and we had a couple of emergencies. But I'm not sure where she's gone now… Where are you Iz?"

"I'll be there in a minute and I'll explain then" Izzie said, hanging up the phone, already rushing across the street and back over to the hospital. She had to find Alex and she had to find out what the hell was going on.

* * *

Jackson carefully closed the door to the chief's office and exhaled. He was about to go and get a coffee to collect his thoughts, when Mark Sloan bounded up to him saying "So how did it go with the chief?"

Jackson carried on walking briskly in the direction of the coffee machine, as Mark picked up his pace to match Jackson's, and Jackson simply said robotically. "Oh you know the usual. Don't fight in the hospital corridors with work colleagues etc, go home early to reflect on what I've done" He kept walking, as he was talking and he could sense exactly where the conversation with Mark was going, and he was really wasn't in the mood for it.

"So you want to go and grab a beer?" Mark said.

Jackson paused "Thanks, but I might take a rain check on that. Something I gotta do" he stopped and sighed saying….."Okay Sloan, so go on say it"

"My lips are sealed" Mark said, with a sly smile, as they were both silent for a few more seconds, before he suddenly said "So you and Kepner eh?" and grinned, as he added "That would explain the black eye" and he laughed some more.

"Glad you find it so funny" Jackson said moodily.

"Oh come on, you have to admit, it is kind of funny. I mean you and Kepner, Karev and Stevens. You guys need to get a bit of wife swapping going on huh!"

"Yeah, well you'd know all about that," Jackson mumbled, as he fought the urge to laugh too.

But he knew that as much as the situation amused Sloan, it was still one huge mess, and he needed to speak to both, Izzie and April, before anything could be resolved. Plus, he was confused, _very confused_. As much as he knew he had feelings for April, he just wasn't sure if he wanted to end things with Izzie either. The only thing he did know for sure, was that he needed to find April and speak to her before she left for the night.

* * *

Moments later Izzie was dashing through the wide hospital entrance, hardly even stopping to look where she was going. She had absolutely no idea what April would have said to Alex to make him up and leave so abruptly. Perhaps he'd suddenly had an attack of _conscience_, or perhaps he had simply decided that he couldn't trust her again. But Izzie wasn't giving up on him this time. _Not without a fight._

She slowed down and stopped as she reached the pit. She immediately saw Meredith sat behind the desk her head down scanning a chart and sensing Izzie's presence Meredith looked up at her.

"Iz" she said, her eyes searching her face curiously. Before she added "I just saw Cristina, Alex is in the chief's office. Don't ask me why? Because I don't know…." She paused before saying "_What _is going on Iz?"

"It's a long story." Izzie said breathlessly, before quickly rushing to the elevator and saying hurriedly "I'll catch up with you later."

Leaving Meredith staring after her with a look of despair, and she was about to turn her head back to the chart she had been scanning, when suddenly April appeared out of nowhere an anxious look on her face too. "Have you seen Alex?" she said to Meredith.

Meredith sighed. "Ok last time I checked, I was a surgeon here not Alex Karev's personal secretary" April instantly looked wounded at the harsh sting of Meredith's words, she knew that she irritated Meredith, but she had only asked her a simple question, she thought.

April's hurt expression instantly made Meredith feel guilty, and she was just about to apologize, when four paramedics rushed in with man on a stretcher, yelling loudly "Male, 50, gunshot wounds to the chest and left arm" Causing both Meredith and April to instantly leap up and in to action.

* * *

Izzie slowed down and took a deep breath as she approached the chief's office. She was just about to look through the blinds, when the door abruptly opened and Alex walked out, his face looking pale and worried.

"Iz" He said, with a look of complete surprise as he saw her stood in front of him.

"You just left" she said, her eyes boring intensely in to his.

He shifted uncomfortably and said "Yeah, I'm sorry. I was going to call you to explain but…"

She interrupted him furiously "But what Alex? What could have been so important that after you slept with me and told me that you wanted to be with me, you just decided to up and leave without saying a _freaking _word" she said, yelling the last part.

Alex's face turned to a look of exasperation, as he sighed saying "Izzie. Look its complicated okay. I don't want to get in to it all now. But you have to believe me, I wouldn't have left like that, unless I had to okay. …..Look Iz, I'm a mess at the moment, so it's probably best if you just go okay."

He stopped and looked at the furious expression on her face as he thought, _why did she have to be so dam sexy when she was angry?_ That was one of the things he loved so much about her, the feisty streak that came out when she felt so fiercely passionate about something.

Izzie opened her mouth again to yell "This is about her isn't it? I heard you on the phone Alex. What did she say to you?"

Alex went to grab her arm, as he said gently "Izzie" trying to calm her down.

Izzie's cheeks flushed a dark shade of pink, and she shook him off and said. "You know, if you're having second thoughts about what you said to me, you could at least have the decency to be honest about it. You at least owe me that Alex. I know you don't think you owe me anything, but you do owe me that."

"Izzie" he said again. Trying to remain calm, as she ignored him and said "I know you're scared Alex, you're scared that I'll hurt you again, you're scared to let me in again. But ask yourself this, do you really want to spend the rest of your life living a lie? Always wondering what could have been. Because if you let me walk away this time, there really won't be any going back" she caried on yelling, as Alex abruptly interrupted her by suddenly saying "_My sister overdosed_"

Izzie immediately stopped yelling and let him speak, as he said "That was my Mom on the phone. She didn't even notice for hours. So by the time she called for help, it was bad, and now my kid sister is in the ICU at Iowa City Hospital all alone, because my brother is locked away in a mental institution and my Mum is too crazy to leave the house, because she's stopped taking her meds. So now _I_ have to get back there as fast as I can…." His voice was shaking with emotion, as he spoke.

Izzie instantly moved forward silencing him, by wrapping her arms around him and hugging him, as she said "Stop. You don't have to say anymore."

As she held him tightly to her, Alex instantly felt himself lose control, as he buried his face in to her neck, breathing in her comforting scent and he was unable to control the inevitable flow of tears escaping his eyes, as he sobbed in to her soft blonde hair. He immediately felt better for the release of his locked up emotions, as she stroked the back of his neck and whispered _"I love you", _and at that moment Alex suddenly felt all the pain, fear and worry he had experienced since finding out about his sister slowly ease. He realized that he was no longer alone and he had never felt so safe and loved in his life.

As they eventually broke apart. Izzie looked at his shaken face and tear stained eyes and said firmly "I'm coming with you"

He looked back at her as he said "No, Iz, no you can't"

She grabbed his hand, as she said "I wasn't there for you before, when all the stuff happened with your brother and I should have been. I should have been a good wife to you then and I wasn't. So please let me be there for you now. If not as your wife, at least as your friend"

He didn't say anything then, as he just gave her a half smile, admitting defeat. He knew there was absolutely nothing he could say to change her mind. He recognised that look in her eye, there was no way she was taking no for an answer, and all he could feel was _relieved_ and almost as thought everything was going to be _ok now._

* * *

Jackson had changed and was on his was to find April. He had no idea what he was going to say, but he knew as soon as he saw her he would find the right words. He searched all the usual places, the restaurant, the residents lounge the patients room and even the pit.

"Looking for someone?" Derek Shepherd said, as he walked past Jackson, taking in his anxious expression. He was dressed in a casual shirt and trousers with his bag slung over his shoulder, his hair as usual perfectly styled. Jackson looked at him with envy and he wished his life could be that straightforward. Happily married with a child and on top of his surgical field, breezily walking home completely fulfilled in all areas of his life.

" Have you seen April?" Jackson said back to him, realizing he was just stood staring.

"She's in surgery with Meredith, some emergency. You want to join me and Mark for a drink?" Shepherd replied, smiling.

"Okay great." Jackson said thinking he could do with a drink, before his phone vibrated in his pocket. He picked it up and looked down to see a text from Izzie.

"_Come home I need to talk to you"_

Jackson frowned. He didn't like the sound of that and he quickly said to Shepherd "I'll meet you over there"

* * *

"So you're just leaving with him then?" Jackson said to Izzie. As back at their apartment, he was sat on their bed, watching her hurriedly throwing things in to her weekend bag. Izzie wasn't quite sure what she would need, or how long she would be gone for. The chief had just agreed to clear her schedule for two days.

"I don't expect you to understand, but I'm just being honest with you" Izzie replied hastily.

"Are you even coming back?" Jackson said.

Izzie stopped what she was doing and zipped up her bag, as she said "Yes, of course I'm coming back."

He looked straight at her. as he said "Oh sorry, it's just that I thought that's what you do when you can't handle things, you run off and don't come back."

The words were like a sharp slap round the face for Izzie, as her cheeks reddened and she said "That is not fair and you know it. You know what went on before and the _dark_ place I was in then and _this _is nothing like that!"

Jackson remained silent, as Izzie sighed and sat down on the bed next to him. It would have been a lot easier to have just left him a note. But she knew she couldn't do that. She knew that she had to explain things to him face to face. She wasn't that person anymore. That head strong, immature and messed up person that just took off and left the people she loved with notes. She had lost everything once because of that, and she knew Jackson deserved better from her.

She wasn't quite sure where their relationship was going, but she did know that if Alex hadn't been in the picture she could quite easily have fallen in love with Jackson. So she wanted to be straight with him, as she said "You have to understand Jackson, that Alex, he needs me okay. He doesn't have anyone else" Jackson went to protest, before she said. "He doesn't have anyone else that he'll trust and let in. He needs me and I_ need_ to be there for him" She then kissed him lightly on the cheek, before standing up to walk out of the room.

"He's going to hurt you again" Jackson suddenly said, as she stopped with her back to him at the bedroom door. "And when he does Izzie. I'm not so sure I'll be around to pick up the pieces." Izzie paused some more, before slowly walking out of the room and he heard the familiar bang of the front door closing behind her, as she left the apartment.

Jackson let out a deep breath and put his hands on his head. This hadn't been a complete shock to him. Deep down he had always know that Izzie was still in love with Alex and that was why she had come back to Seattle. _But now that she'd gone, it just made it all the glaringly obvious to him why he'd come back to Seattle, and just what he had to do next_!

**A/N - Okay next update will be a big Japril chap! **


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17 

"You know, you did great in there April" Meredith said ,giving April a genuine, warm smile, as they both scrubbed out of the emergency operation, they had performed together moments earlier.

"Thanks" April said, feeling her cheeks glowing slightly, as she looked down and in to the sink and she couldn't help the small smile that was escaping her lips. She was also slightly taken aback. This was out of character for Meredith. It wasn't that she was rude or unfriendly like Cristina could be most of the time. She had just never paid any particular interest to April and whenever they had worked together, she was polite in a strictly professional sort of way.

...

After she'd changed and touched up her make-up, April was feeling on a temporary high from the success of the surgery and Meredith's words of encouragement, and she _almost, f_or a few seconds, forgot about her dilemma and _the kiss _with Jackson and the inevitably awkward conversation that she needed to have with him as a result. She was confused, she knew in her heart it had felt amazing, just a few seconds of his soft lips against hers made her melt all over. But the overwhelming feeling of guilt, she felt towards Alex was overclouding all of that.

She suddenly felt miserable, as she hardly recognised the person she was turning in to. Within the space of a few months, she had lost her virginity, having slept with _two_ men and was now cheating on one of them. She had never dreamt she would be in this position, she had kept to such strict principles all her life. Her head was all over the place _and_ she was very aware that she still hadn't seen or spoken to Alex. She was feeling responsible as she knew Alex had been hurt in the fight with Jackson hours earlier and that then she had also chosen to go to Jackson first.

She desperately wanted to speak to Alex to check he was ok and to try and make things right. She hated the feelings that were hanging over her, that she had screwed up in some way. She also cringed to herself, as she recalled the last conversation she'd had with Alex. When he had yelled at her in the hospital corridor and she had run off in tears. She quickly put her hand in to her purse, to scramble around for her phone to call him. But as soon as she pulled it out, the first thing she saw was five missed calls and two voice mails from Alex glaring straight back at her.

Her fingers were trembling and her heart thumping furiously, as she shakily put the phone to her ear to listen to the '_first new message'._

"_April, it's me. Pick up, we need to talk."_

At hearing that, her stomach dropped to the floor and her fingers shook even more, as she heard the beep to signal the end of the message and it rolled in to_ 'second new message'_

"_April. it's me again. Look, I'm sorry about earlier. I know you're probably still mad at me, but I really need to speak to you,… and well I didn't want to tell you like this, but you're not picking up so I don't really have any choice. The thing is, I'm taking off for a few days. There's some stuff I need to sort out back in Iowa and…..and I wanted you to hear this from me,... Izzie's coming with me too….. We'll talk properly when I get back, and I'm really sorry April because you're a really great girl, but I think it's best if I move out"_

Without stopping to think, April automatically tried to call him back to confront him, but it went straight to voice mail. She was almost relieved. She hated confrontation and she had no real idea what she would say to him. She knew he was still in love with Izzie, so why put off the inevitable. She put the phone back slowly, feeling her whole face burn and a lump form in her throat. She wasn't quite sure what this meant to her, but she was pretty sure that '_Alex had just broken up with her'._

"Are you okay? You look like you've just seen a ghost." Meredith said, walking up to April and taking in her pale and shocked face.

April tucked a strand of hair behind her burning ear, as she mumbled. "I err….no not really" sighing, as she tried to fight back the tears. She really wasn't very good at hiding how she felt and putting on a front. But she didn't want to look weak and pathetic in front of Meredith, not this time, not when she was just trying to win her respect back. She wanted to at least create the illusion that she could be a hardnosed surgeon, that didn't bring her personal problems to work.

But it was too late. As Meredith gently touched April's arm and said kindly "April, its ok. You won't be the first person to have a good old cry in this place and you certainly won't be the last."

April looked at her, and instantly felt her eyes well up at the sentiment, as Meredith said "You know, despite what you might think. I do know how it feels to hit rock bottom. To have people whispering about you behind your back, just waiting for you to trip up at any opportunity….. and well you proved them wrong tonight. You're still a great surgeon. So hold your head high and just remember nothing is irreversible"

April wiped her eyes and said "Thanks" she paused then, before saying "I know you've never liked me very much."

Meredith opened her mouth to protest, as April said "No, it's okay, you don't have to say anything. I know you thought I was pathetic for having a crush on your husband and you're Izzie's friend and you think Alex should be with her not me"

Meredith suddenly felt a huge surge of guilt that she had tried to stir up trouble between April and Alex, as she saw April stood in front of her, so upset now. She took a deep breath in and said. "April, you have to understand that Alex and Izzie, they're like me and Derek. No matter how hard they try and convince themselves they should be with other people, they will always find their way back to each other, and you know that you're better than being someone's second best." Meredith paused and then said "I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will find your own _Derek or Alex,_ that one guy, that loves you more than the world. That loves _you,_ as much as you love _them_, and when you find that person, to them, you'll be the centre of their universe, and that is what you deserve."

April's face changed and she suddenly smiled, a comforting warmth spreading inside her, at the thought of Meredith's words, and only one man came in to her head. Meredith was right, she thought nothing was _irreversible._

Meredith smiled back at her, as she said "Come on, let me a buy you drink. I think you could do with one."

April felt her eyes drying slightly, as she said "I'd like that"

* * *

Jackson was sat at the bar. He wasn't really listening to any of the conversation taking place between Sloan and Shepherd. He stared deeply at the bottle of beer in front of him, the words on the label blurring in to a fuzz of letters and colour. He twisted his phone in his hand, pondering what he should do next. Should he call April? He knew she was in surgery. He wondered if he should leave her a message, or if he should just go back to the hospital to wait for her there.

He was just about to stand up and make a decision, when the door to the bar suddenly sprung open and Meredith walked in followed by April. Jackson instantly noticed there was something different about her, he couldn't put his finger on exactly what it was, her eyes were slightly red, but her face had more of a subtle glow to it than usual. She was beautiful, he thought and he wished she would realize it.

She glanced over at him, and their eyes locked together and for a split second it was as though they were the only two people in the bar, before April abruptly looked away, and Jackson swore he saw a brief flash of defensiveness.

Meredith quickly bounded over to her husband and Sloan, and April ordered a drink and sat down sheepishly next to Jackson, and without taking his eyes away from her face he said "How did your surgery go?"

"Good. Really good" she said and her face lit up for a second, before it dropped again and she went silent, very aware of Jackson's expectant eyes on her, as she suddenly blurted out "I think Alex has left me." And she sipped her drink.

Jackson was unsure how he should respond, as he simply said "I'm sorry." Trying to make it sound as sincere as possible. Although, it was glaringly obvious to both of them, that he wasn't sorry one bit.

At that point, April turned her head to look at him properly, as she said "Izzie's gone with him too" fidgeting with her nails as she nervously awaited his response, she really had no idea whether he was aware of that fact or not, or how he would feel about it.

"I know" was all he said in response.

"You're not bothered? Do you even know if she's coming back?" April replied, with a look of surprise on her face and a slight hint of confusion coming across in her voice.

"She'll come back when she's ready. But I think we both know that Izzie and Alex have a lot of unresolved stuff they need to sort out, so we should just let them get on with it." Jackson said, as April was silent, looking away and down at her drink, as she contemplated what he'd said.

She then looked up and his blue eyes met hers again, as he said "Let's not talk about them anymore. Because I can guarantee you, they won't be talking about _us_"

This wasn't quite how April had wanted this conversation to go and her emotions once again got the better of her, as she felt her eyes well up. Jackson instinctively grabbed her hand, as he said gently "He's not worth your tears April"

She smiled at him through the glaze of tears covering her eyes, and she knew she wasn't crying over Alex. If she'd ever thought that they'd have a _happily ever after,_ she'd been kidding herself. She paused, as she realized she still had no idea where she actually stood with Jackson, and she pulled her hand away from him defensively, and said "You don't have to do this ok. You don't have to be all nice to me, because I've been dumped. So just stop feeling sorry for me ok"

"What?" He said, confused at her reaction "I feel a lot of things for you April, but sorry for you isn't one of them, and besides it looks like I've just been dumped too, so that would make us even. Don't you think?"

"Do you love her?" April said suddenly, as she wiped her eyes.

Jackson looked slightly taken aback, as he said "I care about her, a lot, but no...I don't think I love her, not like..."

Then he twisted his bottle, as he said. "Maybe if we were still in LA, I would have loved her, but back here, everything is different" He stopped, and hoped April would understand exactly what he meant by that.

"April" he said, as she looked away and didn't say anything, and he searched her face, eagerly awaiting a response, any small sign to let him know what she was thinking. "You have to give me something here okay. I know this isn't easy for you, but we need to discuss just what it is that's going on between us. Because right now, you're giving out very mixed signals."

April shifted awkwardly. She was out of her depth and she had no idea how she would even start to go about articulating her feelings for Jackson. Inside, she was feeling scared and confused and the tension was becoming unbearable, as she said. "You were my best friend. The one person that saw me for who I was, that I wasn't just this weird, nervous girl. You cared about me and you made me feel special. You made me realize that I didn't have to be so uptight and straight-laced all the time. That sometimes it's ok to let go a little. But after San Francisco, and then failing my boards and you leaving, it made me question everything. It made me feel like such a huge failure"

Jackson put one of his large, warm hands, firmly over April's cold, delicate, trembling fingers."I should never have left" he said gently. "I realize that now. I guess I felt guilty and when you wouldn't speak about it afterwards, I didn't see a reason to stick around. But coming back and seeing you again April, being with you again. I know it was the wrong decision. I should have stayed and been there for you."

April suddenly felt mad. She was mad that for weeks, she had cried over him and he hadn't even once attempted to contact her, and now just as she had started to move on, he was back, telling her he had made the wrong decision. _But how could she possibly trust him? _She abruptly pulled her hand away from his, as she slid off her bar stool and with her eyes filled with tears, she said "I can't do this. I'm sorry Jackson" and rushed out the bar.

Jackson quickly put some money down and ran out after her.

The cool night air hit him immediately, as he stepped out in to the dark night and he saw her walking away, with her back to him and he gently grabbed her arm, forcing her to turn around and look at him as he said urgently. "April, stop. Please don't go"

April stood silently still, as Jackson's eyes pleaded with her for forgiveness and he said "I know you blame me, you made that very clear from the way you behaved after San Francisco. You blame me for failing your boards and for going against your beliefs, and I don't know what I can do to make that right, but please April, please, you have to let me try. Because the way you're behaving now isn't fair"

Her face flushed "You think _I'm _not being fair. How about how fair you've been with me these past few months" she snapped back at him.

Her eyes fixed on his face, as she continued to speak with furious passion, and she said "I don't blame you for failing my boards and for screwing up and going against my beliefs, that was all on _me_…. I blame _you_ for making me trust you, for making me let you in and for _making me fall in love with you."_ Her voice was shaking with emotion, as she said the last part. Saying it out loud had finally made her face up to her feelings, and had made it real. All the feelings she had experienced since losing her virginity to Jackson, slowly came flooding back to the surface. All the excitement, guilt, hurt and rejection, she had tried so hard for months to bury away.

Needing no further encouragement, Jackson grabbed her face with both his strong, gentle hands and drew her in to him, as he whispered "_I've been falling in love with you for months"_

He positioned himself closer towards her and she didn't say a word, as he moved his lips forward to meet hers, kissing her very softy at first, not pushing at all, as he tasted her sweet lips.

April pressed her lips harder against his, and they both instinctively opened their mouths, as she pushed her body further in to him, standing on her tiptoes to wrap her ams around his neck.

She felt as though he had awaken something sealed away inside her, a deep rooted desire that had been locked away since San Francisco, a feeling so intense that she had been scared to re visit it, after discovering it for the first time back in San Francisco. But now at this moment, she wanted more than anything to explore it further. Her need for his body was consuming her, as she pushed herself against him further and felt herself melting in to him. She was getting dizzy, and she didn't want the moment to end, her whole body was on fire.

It was all Jackson could do not to grab her, lift her up and put her legs around him right there outside the bar. _But this is April,_ he thought. _She might not be ready for that. Don't ruin it, before it even starts... _He tried with everything in him to concentrate on her mouth and the kiss, but there came a point where he couldn't take it anymore, not when he heard the soft little moan escape her throat. He pulled his head away from her, and he stared down at her mouth, still barely inches from his, and he quickly drew apart from her, as he whispered against her lips "You want to get out of here?" and she just nodded, smoothing down her ruffled hair.

They kissed again quickly, before Jackson used all of his mental strength to release her and take a slow step backward. The smile on both their faces looked relaxed and happy

….

Arriving back at April's apartment they were sat slightly awkwardly on the sofa the sexual tension between them very much apparent, as Jackson grabbed her hand and ran his thumb across her palm and he said "You know, if you want to take it slow this time, I can wait, as long as it takes. I don't want to rush you."

April smiled and for the first time in weeks, she felt truly happy and she realized that he meant every word he was saying, as she whispered seductively. "I don't want to take things slow" moving towards him, to kiss him again and they both felt an instant rush, with the release of the tension. Taking the lead, April slid her tongue inside his mouth and a wave of lust instantly jolted through her. She wanted _more,_ and she had to let him know that, as with a subtle movement she moved across to straddle him and he placed his hands on her hips.

April broke the kiss and leaned back, as she heard Jackson groan. She looked in to his eyes as she said, _"I want you" _and all her insecurities and hang ups disappeared, as they both felt as though they were about to explode with the passion.

…

Lying in bed later that evening April had never felt so alive, she could honestly say that she'd had the best sex of her life. She sighed as Jackson kissed her neck and caressed the side of her body. She closed her eyes and thought how she didn't want this moment to ever end. Jackson had been so patient, loving, affectionate and passionate. _It had all felt so right._

"We should do that again" she said to him, as he smiled and replied _"All night"_


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N - I hope you like this chap, cause it was kind of rushed as I have been so busy! So sorry if it's not perfect but I really wanted to update, before I lost interest! Please, please keep telling me what you think as it inspires me to keep going :)**

CHAPTER 18

Alex was gripping the steering wheel and staring at the long, empty stretch of road in front of him. He was torn between anxiety at the situation with his family and his little sister's fate and nervous excitement, at being in such close proximity to Izzie again.

Izzie turned her head to peek at Alex through her long eyelashes. She was unsure of exactly what to say to him, after everything that had happened over the last 24 hours. Alex looked so worried and stressed. She just wanted to hug him and tell him everything was going to be ok. She wanted to be able to take his pain away. But she was also, very aware, just how defensive he could be when he was in one of these moods. So she remained silent allowing him to stay lost in his thoughts.

Alex was aware of the uncomfortable silence too. But he couldn't stop thinking about his little sister all alone and in a strange hospital. He had sworn to himself that _never again,_ would he go back to the bleak, depressing place he had grown up in. Not after the last horrendous trip, when he had gone back on his own to admit his younger brother Aaron to a psychiatric unit. But right now, as he thought about his sister, he knew he had no choice. _He was all that she had._

But then for a brief moment, he stopped thinking about his sister, and he thought of Izzie. _Beautiful Izzie, _sat right next to him now. He still couldn't quite believe that he wasn't dreaming and she was back here with him again, after everything that had happeend.

His hormones were raging, as he remembered with an inner smile how it had felt to make love to her again, and he knew that he was more than ready for a repeat performance of the _incredible_ sex that they'd had together earlier.

...

"You wanna put some music on or something?" Izzie suddenly said, to break the awkward silence.

Alex turned to gaze at her briefly, before his eyes were back on the road and they both went to flick the radio on, causing their fingers to brush briefly, and an electric current to zap through them, and they were speechless for a couple of seconds with the sheer sensation.

"So you speak to Avery then?" Alex eventually said, cautiously.

Izzie turned to look at him, as she exhaled slowly and said "Yes. He was kind of pissed, but I think he'll be ok" she blushed and sounding slightly more breathy she said "Did you speak to April?"

He took one hand away from the steering wheel to rub his jaw, as he said "I tried, but she wouldn't speak to me, so I left her a message. I told her" he paused to compose himself, as he said "Iz, I told her I was moving out. So I guess it looks like I'm homeless"

Izzie couldn't help the pang of excitement deep in her stomach at hearing what Alex had just said, as she giggled, and he looked over at her and sad "What's so funny?"

"Oh, you know, just that you have _got_ to stop breaking things off with people in voice mails Alex" He shook his head and smiled slightly, he was amused but also slightly exasperated.

Izzie paused, before adding "But you won't be homeless. I'm sure there will be a place for you somewhere" her voice taking on a lower huskier tone as she daringly brushed her fingers across his thigh.

"Iz" he murmured, as she slowly trailed her thumb upwards, causing his breathing to rapidly accelerate and he tightened his grip on the steering wheel _how does she do this to me?_ he thought. As with a slight smile on her lips, she glanced at him, removed her hand and bit her lip. Alex felt a deep desire building inside him. As Izzie looked down to see the telling bulge in his jeans and he brushed his hand through his hair. He wanted her badly.

...

Izzie opened her eyes as the engine stopped. It was dark and she had dozed off over the last couple of hours. "Where are we?" she exclaimed as she rubbed her eyes and looked around. It looked as though they were literally in the middle of no-where.

Alex carefully undid his seat belt and said "We're out of gas and we need to stop for the night."

"What here?" Izzie looked up at the tired, rundown building in front of her, the lights crackling on the seedy looking _'motel'_ sign.

Alex looked tired and exasperated as he said "Iz, we're in the middle of no-where. I don't see anywhere else, so unless you have a better idea"

"Nah, here will be just fine" she said, as she scooped her long blonde hair up in to a pony tail, threw on her navy hooded sweater, and they both cautiously stepped out of the car and in to the cold night.

Alex went first as they walked up to the shabby front desk."Err can we have a room?" he said wearily to the old guy sat there. "Double ok?"The old guy replied back, as Alex scowled, noticing how he was leering at Izzie. Before he glanced back at her, to check she would be ok with sharing a room, and she beamed at him mouthing "that's fine." _More than fine_ she thought to herself.

...

The room was very basic, but at least it was clean and tidy Izzie thought. As shattered, she laid back on her side on the bed, just having freshly changed in to little shorts and a vest top.

Alex climbed on to the bed next to her, wearing just his jeans and a black vest. Wrapping his strong arms around her, he exhaled as he buried himself in her soft blonde curls. Her being there meant everything to him, he thought, as he closed his eyes sleepily.

"It will all be ok Al" Izzie whispered wearily, as she felt herself drifting off to sleep next to him. They were both physically and mentally shattered from everything that had happened over the long hard day and exhausting drive. The sound of Izzie's heavy breathing and the closeness of her warm body next to his, was all it took to sooth Alex off to sleep within moments too.

...

Waking up next to Izzie the next morning, Alex was horny as hell, but he knew they were still a long way away from the hopsital and they had to get there urgently. So he bounded up and out of bed as quickly as he could and straight in to the shower.

...

It was a brighter, crisper day than the previous one and Alex had just finished filling the car up with gas, when Izzie bounded up to him. With her long blonde hair, blowing loosely around her shoulders, she pushed him against the passenger door, grinding her body next to his, she was in a playful mood and she wanted him to know how just much she _wanted_ him. It was merely seconds before she felt she had the desired effect on him as he smiled at her and said quietly "You don't know what you to do to me. Later tonight, you are so going to get it!"As she giggled, batting her eyelashes, and they broke apart and got in to the car, suddenly anticipating the last lap of their journey to get to the hospital in Iowa.

* * *

Walking in to the hospital room, Alex felt more than a little apprehensive as he saw his little sister sat up in bed, looking pale, scared and alone. He immediately rushed over to her and without saying anything, he took her hand as she just said tearfully "Alex, I'm so glad you're here" and a small amount of colour returned to her cheeks.

Izzie was slightly taken aback at the sight of Alex with his little sister. Amber wasn't at all what she had pictured. Physically she was just as Izzie had imagined. She was a younger, female version of Alex, beautiful with olive skin, long straight brown hair and the same expressive almond eyes as her brother. But Izzie had fully expected a more confident, smart mouthed kid with lots of attitude _a younger version of Alex_. Not the quiet, frightened girl lying in the bed in front of her. In reality Amber looked so timid and vulnerable, as she gave Izzie a shy smile.

Alex grimaced searching for something comforting to say to Amber, as he tried to remember what Izzie had told him to say on the drive down. Her having so much more experience with teenage girls than him. In the end he simply said "What happened Amber?" and without saying anything in response she just burst in to tears and said "Alex, I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go home"

He looked over at Izzie, who instinctively sat down next to Amber and said gently "It's ok. Take your time, we're not going anywhere. So just tell us why you felt you had to do this."

Amber didn't say a word and looked down at her hands. Eventually Alex said impatiently "Look I know what its like ok, having to look after Mom. It's hard. But this it isn't the answer Amber."

"It's not that" she said quietly "This isn't about Mom,….. or Aaron" She paused, before looking tentatively up at Alex and then glancing at Izzie.

"This is about a boy isn't it?" Izzie said.

Alex's cheeks flushed and he raised his voice saying "I'll kill _him_" causing Amber to cry again.

Just as the door to her room opened and a doctor in his mid 50's walked in with a look of concern on his face, clearly alarmed at the raised voices. "Are you relatives?" he said sharply, glaring at Alex and Izzie.

"Dr Ennis this is my brother Alex, he's a surgeon from Seattle" Amber said, as Dr Ennis's face suddenly changed. A little taken aback to find out this trashy kid in front of him, that he'd had to treat for overdosing, actually had a _surgeon_ for a brother. From the first glimpse of Alex, he had presumed he was probably just another no hoper from the same family.

The older doctor broke in to a smile, as he instinctively held out his hand to Alex, who shook it whilst eyeing him with furious suspicion. He didn't trust this unfamiliar doctor that had been treating his little sister.

Izzie put her hand on Alex's arm and looked in to his eyes as she said firmly "You go and speak to the Doctor and I'll stay here with Amber" Alex looked at her to protest, before he fully read her facial expression and said "Ok"

...

With Alex gone, Amber shifted uncomfortably as Izzie said "So what's his name?"

Amber sighed and said "Daniel"

"Well, whatever he's done, he's not worth this" Izzie said, taking on a maternal caring tone.

Amber's facial expression suddenly became defensive, as she said "He's not a bad guy. I can't blame him for not wanting to be with me. I mean who would want to be with a trashy, loser like me"

Izzie looked at her compassionately, as she said "Is this what this is about then? He broke up with you?…. Because really…"

Before she had the chance to finish what she was about to say, Amber suddenly interrupted her abruptly and said "_I had an abortion_." Fresh tears running down her cheeks, as she said. "I lost my virginity to him and fell pregnant. I mean that could only happen to _me_"

Izzie's heart went out to the young girl in front of her, as she took her hand and said quietly "And he didn't want to know?"

Amber pulled her hand back defensively, as she snapped "No. I didn't tell him. Because by the time I found out, he'd already dumped me"

"You should have told him" Izzie said, her eyes full of concern.

Amber's cheeks flushed and she suddenly felt annoyed. _Who the hell was this irritating blonde chick to judge her_?

"Oh, and what then? He would have fallen in love with me and we would have lived happily ever after. What the hell would you know about it?" She said, as her eyes flashed anger, looking Izzie up and down. Taking in her beautiful, flawless skin, shiny, long blond hair, pearly white teeth and glossy lips. She looked just like all the bitchy girls at high school, that Amber so detested. The kind of girls that all the guys really fell in love with, right after they'd cast the likes of her aside.

"I know. Because it happened to _me_" Izzie said softly.

Amber's jaw dropped then, as Izzie continued. "I was in your position not so long ago. I was the pregnant girl at 16 from the trashy family that everyone looked down on. But you know what? I could have just given in and been the girl they all thought I should be. But I didn't. I used it to fuel me to work hard to do something with my life, to prove them wrong. Because I knew I was better than that, and I know that you are too. They'll be other guys Amber. Better guys. _Guys that see you for who you really are_" She said, as she looked in to the younger girls eyes and there buried in the pain and hurt, she saw a glimpse of Alex, and she knew deep down that Amber was a good person just like him.

"I'm not like you and Alex" Amber said meekly. "Alex was always so smart and sure of himself. He was always going to go on to do great things. He's so successful now, no wonder he never wants to come back here" Izzie looked directly at her and said "You _are_ just like us. You could go to med school, or do anything you desire. You just have to _want_ it enough"

Amber smiled warmly for the first time. As she suddenly saw Izzie in a different light and felt a whole new connection to her. Changing the subject, her eyes burning with curiosity she said "So….. you and Alex? He never mentioned anything about a girlfriend. I mean Aaron said he got married, but his wife got cancer and left him"

Izzie's cheeks flushed crimson and she paused for a moment, before saying boldly _"I came back"_

Amber's mouth gaped wide open as she said _"_You're…. You're Alex's _wife?!" _

Izzie quickly shook her head, as she said "Ex-wife. We're friends now" and she twisted her hands together, as she thought how Alex still hadn't formally defined just what her role in his life was now.

Amber giggled, as she stared at Izzie. "Well, I don't know many of my friends that I'd be prepared to drop everything for and drive halfway across the country with, to see their dysfunctional family….. Besides, I saw the way he looked at you and I've _never_ seen him look at a girl like that before."

Izzie blushed "Ok, you win. Maybe there's a little more to it, but you know it's complicated ok" she said, before giggling too, just as Alex walked in followed by a slim dark haired woman.

"What's so funny?" he said, eyeing them both suspiciously.

"Oh nothing" Izzie said, before she noticed the woman next to Alex. Just as Amber said "Mom, I told you on the phone, you didn't have to come here"

Izzie suddenly looked at the woman beside Alex. As he quickly said "Mom, this is Izzie" and Anna Karev's eyes lit up, at the sight of the beautiful young woman in front of her and she said "It's a pleasure to meet you"

Alex's mother Anna was a lot younger than Izzie had imagined, but despite that, and her pretty face, she displayed all the signs of someone that'd had a hard life.

….

Sat with Alex's family Izzie couldn't believe the immense transformation in Alex. He had changed from the slightly badass and mouthy, Dr Alex Karev to a protective, kind and caring older brother and son. Completely taking charge of his mother and sister, as he reassured them he had spoken to the doctors and everything would be ok. It melted Izzie's heart and she realized then, that she _loved_ him more than ever.

"Mom, why don't you go and get a coffee with Izzie?" Alex said to his mother, as Izzie sensed he wanted to speak to his sister alone.

...

After Izzie and his Mother had left the room, Alex looked at Amber and couldn't quite believe the change in her face since he had arrived at the hospital with Izzie earlier that day. He took a deep breath and sat down as Amber suddenly beamed and said "Izzie's _awesome"_

* * *

"Despite what you might think, I always tried to do the best for my kids" Anna Karev said, as Izzie was sat facing her in the hospital restaurant.

She stared intently at her, as she sipped her coffee and Alex's Mom carried on talking, saying ."I always knew that something wasn't quite right with Aaron. He was never quite altogether there, not like Alex" and she smiled proudly. "I never worried about Alex. I always knew he'd be ok. He's smart, really smart, always was. Lord knows where he gets it from. Not from me, that I am sure... He was always so mouthy as a kid, such a handful. As soon as he could talk he had an answer for everything. The number of times I was called down to his school. He was so disruptive. They said it was because he was bored, that he wasn't being challenged enough so they put him up two grades. Did he tell you that?"

Izzie smiled to herself '_no he had never told her that.'_

"He didn't work hard, I know he didn't. But he was gifted. He always got good grades without even trying, because he found it easy. I always knew he would do well for himself and when I look at him now, what he's achieved despite what he had to go through. I feel as though maybe I did at least one thing right in my life"

She sighed and stared directly down at her coffee. "I worry about my Amber though, she's smart too like Alex and she's a great kid. But she's isolated, she doesn't have many friends and she has no confidence. She's stuck here with me all the time. It's no life for her."

Izzie was unsure what to say in response, as she sensed that the older woman just wanted to have someone to talk to and they chatted some more before Alex retuned with his sister. Amber had changed and was looking considerably happier than she had when they had arrived earlier in the day.

"Right, we are taking Amber home" Alex said, with a small relived grin.

"Really, that's great" Izzie said, as she gently squeezed Amber's hand.

* * *

Later in the day, back at Alex's old family home after they had made sure that Amber was ok, Alex and Izzie were preparing to leave Iowa and make their way back to Seattle.

Izzie hugged Alex's Mom goodbye. "You're the best thing to ever happen to him" she whispered in Izzie's ear as Izzie smiled back at her. `

Izzie then hugged Amber, who had a small tear in her eye as Izzie said "Remember what I said ok. Anytime you want to talk or need some time out. You have my number" Her wide eyes meeting Ambers, as she said "_I mean it_, and come and stay with us, whenever you like" Amber gave her a big smile. Alex had never once invited her to stay with him in Seattle. Alex hugged her too, as he said to Izzie "We'd better get going"

Anna Karev looked over proudly at her son, as she said "When am I going to get my first grandchild then you two?" Her eyes twinkling, as she said "Although I'm sure you're probably working on that already. "Amber caught Izzie's eye then and they both giggled, as Alex frowned before smirking himself too.

* * *

Back at the motel, Alex was more than glad to finally be alone with Izzie, after the gruelling, emotional day with his family and Izzie brought a bottle of wine out of her bag. "How about a night cap?" she said. "I mean, it's a little warm but it's better than nothing" She poured it in to two plastic glasses and handed one to Alex, as he was sat perched on the edge of the bed.

"They really liked you" he said.

"Your sister's a great kid Alex" Izzie replied.

"Yeah, well she was lucky that she's going to be ok." He said, before hesitating and saying. "I don't know what you said to her Iz, but it certainly had an effect."

Izzie smiled and said "She's going to be ok, but she's going to need _us_ Alex"

Alex exhaled and said "Yeah, I know" and hearing Izzie say _us_ made him shiver all over, as he was finally starting to think that maybe they could have a _future _together.

Izzie sat back against the head rest of the bed, taking off her sweater revealing the tight white vest top she had on underneath it, accentuating her prefect breasts. She drew her knees up to her chest and sipped her wine as Alex's phone suddenly went off.

She looked at him, his expression unreadable, and she said "Are you not going to get that?"

Alex stared at his vibrating phone, sat on the bedside table. "Nah, it's just my Mom. I'll call her in the morning"

Izzie sighed, "Alex, you have to speak to her, she needs you. She needs you to take care of her."

That was too much for Alex, the sheer emotion, exhaustion and desperation of the situation with his family, plus all the drama with April back in Seattle, was suddenly all too much for him_. Izzie didn't know what the hell she was talking about_ he thought moodily, as he turned to her, his cheeks flushing and snapped "Oh yeah, well I can't take care of everyone"

Izzie's heart suddenly went out to him, as she saw the lines of frustration on his face and she said "Alex, I get it."

He lowered his head as he said defensively. "No. You _don't _get it Iz. How could you possibly get it? My Mum fell pregnant with me in high school and that is the only reason she married my asshole father. He made her life hell for years and it was my fault. He made her _crazy. _I mean she wasn't always crazy. She was a good Mom at times. But then she stopped caring, and when social services got involved and they took us away… my Mom, ….she didn't even really notice. I tried to take care of my brother and sister as much as I could. But I had to get out. I couldn't take care of _them_ and go to med school."

Izzie was just sat staring at him, as his lips quivered and he said "My sister, she's like sixteen, and she's had to deal with my Mom all on her own. I mean she doesn't have _anyone_ to take care of her and now look what's happened to her…." His voice shook, as he felt his cheeks dampen and he realized there were warm tears running down his cheeks.

He knew he couldn't act the smart ass, tough guy now. Not here with Izzie. The walls had come down and it was a much needed release. As he shook and said. "When I was a kid, I had to deal with my crazy Mom, when I was just a kid myself and who was ever there to take care of me!?….." "

Izzie felt tears welling in her eyes too, as he spoke. She knew in many ways Alex was still a scared, damaged little boy. He was so broken and so vulnerable, and she wanted to be able to fix him, to love him how he deserved. She knew he should never have been with April and she should never have been with Jackson.

As he finished speaking, Izzie crawled slowly over to where Alex was sat and put her arms around him protectively. He breathed a sigh of relief as he felt his tense body, slowly relax in to hers, and she stroked his hair and said lovingly "_I'll take care of you."_

That was too much for Alex, as his breathing suddenly becoming erratic and with emotion he said in to her soft, blonde hair "_Why did you leave me Iz? ….Why did you never come back for me Iz?" _

They were both silent, letting the intensity of his words hit them. As Alex slowly realized, he didn't need her to answer. Just saying out loud the two questions he'd had ringing around in his head every single day since she'd left, was enough!

Eventually Izzie eased back slightly and whispered. _"I've come back for you now"_

He turned to her and gently caressed her face with his hands, as he drew her in and placed feather like kisses across her cheeks and down the side of her neck, his eyes staring at her fully hypnotised, as he thought how beautiful she was.

Izzie's muscles clenched all over, as she gazed back at him and she pulled her hair out of it's messy pony tail, causing it to cascade around her naked shoulders as her lips found his, and they pressed together intently.

Alex ran one hand through Izzie's thick blonde hair, the other gliding underneath the back of her vest top, as her kiss became more demanding and her body pushed against his. They broke apart briefly, as Alex gently tugged Izzie's top off, revealing her white lacy bra and he expertly undid it revealing her perfect breasts. He gently ran his hands over them, before she pulled his t-shirt off and he pushed her back on the bed. Trailing kisses up and down her neck.

Izzie's eyes were bright and alert with anticipation, as she felt him fumble with the zipper on her jeans and she moved her groin up to meet his, desperate to feel him inside her again, as they both slipped out of the rest of their clothing. Without taking his eyes off her, Alex slowly began making love to her again. He moaned with the release of the sexual tension he had built up over the last 24 hours. As he suddenly saw tears streaming down her cheeks. "What is it?" he whispered softly. She looked in to his eyes, as she said "I love you so much", and for the first time in his life Alex actually felt truly loved, as a rush of warmth spread over him and he repeated it back to her.

"Marry me again?" Alex said, moments later, as he held her in arms, and he turned his head to look at her, and he knew that this time he would do everything within his power, to make sure that they did it right.


	19. Chapter 19

CHAPTER 19

Two years later

"Iz, come out. I've already told you, you look gorgeous" Alex shouted, through the flimsy hotel bathroom door.

"You have to say that, you're my husband" Izzie replied, despondently.

"I might be your husband, but it also happens to be true. You're hands down the hottest chick in this place." Alex said, slightly exasperated, as he checked his watch.

Izzie slowly opened the door and walked sheepishly over to Alex. "Even when I'm the size of a beach whale and dressed like this?" she said, as she wobbled over to him.

Alex took a long look at his wife, she had a point he thought. She was dressed from head to toe in a light shade of peach, that clung vigorously to her huge rounded stumoch. But his eyes glistened, as he thought how to him, she would always be the most beautiful woman in the world. The fact that she was blooming in the late stages of pregnancy, with their first child, just made her all the more attractive to him.

"Say something?" Izzie pleaded, her wide, expressive, eyes searching his face for a response.

"You look beautiful" he said, as he leaned in and kissed her. Before adding "I really need to get going. Avery will kill me if I'm late. I'll see you at the church okay."

"You've got the rings?" Izzie added hastily.

Alex nodded, as he turned to leave the room, just as he bumped straight in to Cristina, followed closely, by an anxious looking Meredith, who rushed straight in to the room and past Alex, hissing fiercely "Quick, let me in" as Alex just looked at her and smirked.

"What?" Meredith responded, shooting Alex a furious look.

"Don't mess with the pregnant woman" Cristiana joked to Alex, as still smiling to himself, he quickly kissed Izzie on the cheek one last time and walked out.

Meredith slowly walked over, to sit down on the bed, next to Izzie, as she said quickly. "Okay, we waited five minutes for the hallway to clear, and I don't think anyone saw me."

Izzie looked at her and giggled, as she said "Oh Mer, soon, a whole church full of people are going to see you."

Meredith sighed "What do we look like?"

"Two huge, great big, fuzzy balls of peach" Cristina joked, as they all laughed.

"Do you think April's done this on purpose? So we don't out shine the bride." Izzie said, as she smoothed down her dress.

"I don't think there's any danger of us outshining her" Meredith replied slowly.

"Yeah, this is April we're talking about, and besides at the moment, you could probably fit two of her in to my dress" Izzie said, letting out a small laugh.

With a smug smile, Cristina then said. "You guys need to learn how to be more of a bitch. No-one ever asks me to be a bridesmaid."

"You were my maid of honour…..twice" Izzie quickly said.

"Hmm.. true" Cristina replied.

"Oh, while you're both here, I have some news. We found out we're having a boy" Izzie suddenly said, as a wide smile spread across her lips.

"We are too" Meredith responded excitedly.

"Oh please, another McDreamy and Evil Spawn. Is the world really ready?" Cristina said, as they all laughed. Just as the door burst open again and this time April walked in and they all turned to stare at her.

"Oh April, it must be the pregnancy hormones, but I think I'm going to cry. Just wait till Jackson sees you. You look so beautiful" Izzie gushed, as she looked at her friend, in her stunning, ivory white, Vera Wang wedding dress. April hadn't been sure about it, but Izzie had insisted, as soon as April had tried it on, that it was the one.

"Okay, so the car should be here any minute. My Dad's waiting in reception." April said nervously.

"What are we waiting for then?" Meredith said, as she stood up and walked out of the room with Cristina, leaving April and Izzie.

"You okay? Not getting pre-wedding nerves are you?" Izzie said concerned, as she turned back to see April fidgeting with her hair, taking one last look in the mirror.

"Oh Iz, what if Jackson backs out? What if he decides he doesn't want to marry me after all?" April said sighing.

"April, Jackson loves you. He wants to marry you, and you guys are going to be so happy together" Izzie replied, her eyes glazing slightly.

"Thanks" April said. "For everything, for being my maid of honour and for helping me organize this wedding, and for just being a great friend."

"You're welcome" Izzie said, as she hugged her friend tightly, before breaking off and holding her hand up and saying excitedly to April "Wedding Day!"

* * *

Looking handsome in his tuxedo, Jackson was stood nervously at the alter, as adrenaline pumped furiously through his veins. She was late, this was April, she was never late. He swallowed as he tried to control his nerves.

But there had never been any real doubt in his mind, that April would show, as suddenly the church door swung open and there walking towards him was his bride. With a proud smile on his face, Jackson watched April glide down the aisle, to meet him at the alter and she had never looked more beautiful, he thought.

* * *

Alex tapped his glass, as he stood up and the room fell deadly silent. Jackson smiled apprehensively, and April pressed her hands together as they both anticipated, just what Alex would say.

"Okay, well, it's customary in these situations for the best man to tell the story of how the bride and groom got together" Alex said, as Jackson flinched and April felt her face drop slightly.

"But let's just say on this occasion, it involved pre-exam jitters, alcohol and a toilet cubicle in San Francisco." Alex paused, as the room broke in to loud laughter.

Before Alex went on with his speech, ending with "… and honestly, I don't think you could find a couple more suited to each other than Jackson and April, so please join me in raising your glasses to the bride and groom."

Jackson felt his face flush with pride as he squeezed the hand of his beautiful wife and he felt full of excitement for their future together.

* * *

Relieved his speech and best man duties, were now over, Alex sank back in to his chair next to Izzie, as he sipped his champagne.

"It's been such an amazing day" Izzie said, smiling widely, so happy to see her friends married.

"No regrets, about our wedding day? Our second wedding day?" Alex said, as he reached for her hand.

"None at all, it was perfect." Izzie replied, as she remembered, how it had been the most perfect day of her life. In contrast to their first wedding, it had been just her and Alex at city hall. Alex had then surprised her and arranged for their closest friends to join them for a quiet meal afterwards. Meredith and Derek, Cristina and Owen, April and Jackson and Callie and Arizona.

"Ooh…he kicked, give me your hand" Izzie suddenly said, as she grabbed Alex's hand and placed it on her huge rounded bump.

Alex grinned, as he felt their baby move and he leaned in and kissed Izzie lightly as he said "I love you."

* * *

With her arms wrapped firmly around his neck, gazing straight up in to the eyes of her handsome husband, April whispered "Today's been perfect. I love you."

"I love you too" Jackson whispered back, and he honestly felt like the happiest man in the world.

…


End file.
